Dear Meredith,
I just re read the letter I wrote to you the other day. It
makes me look a bit crazy, in my defence I was a touch agitated and anxious at
the time. It all makes sense though really, you just have to join the dots,
align the metaphors as though they were the lyrics of a song, then you might
understand.
It’s hard you know, faking it til you make it, really
fucking hard. I can’t remember how to be a mum or a wife its all just going
through the motions, if I’m ‘up’ its warm and I have my glasses on and if I’m
down the world is blurry and cold but
either way the rest of the world lies behind a window. I want to go back to
work but I am scared to, and I am just as scared not to. I know I couldn’t cope
today but I have two weeks of holidays to allow for spontaneous mental re
alignment. Work is the real world they can all function in, why can’t I? I just
want to be able to do what they do without this ‘thing’ hanging over my head. I
spoke to my old, old boss from the shop yesterday, I told him about my
diagnosis and he said that it made a lot of sense, he remembered how I would
suddenly be able to sell ice to eskimos for a few months and then not have the
motivation to say hello to people for another few. But even then, in those days
I was able to function – Hell I sold ice
to eskimos without freaking out they were going to send polar bears after me,
why is it NOW that I get so paranoid when I’m up, why not just the productive
happy for months – I’m getting two weeks of happy or paranoid then I just get
depressed again, it’s all happening so fast like a fucking roller coaster set
to high speed. It’s tiring, I am exhausted – where’s my so called decreased
need for sleep that I used to have, I’m jittery and fucking can’t concentrate I
have music playing in my mind and the thinking wont.fucking.stop – which is
more annoying than enlightening. I want to drink, drown my sorrows but I can’t. And part of me wants to die again so badly,
the other day when I thought the police were coming for me I made a bomb proof
plan of how to get away which I will never tell because the enabling part of me
is the paranoid part of me and I need that back up, ‘just in case’ but the
other day, I didn’t think to kill myself, oh that would have been so much
simpler. I know where that brown snake lives now… Reckon the cops would shoot
me if I threw a snake at them? I don’t want to kill him, I named him Harold, I’m
not afraid of him hurting me, as long as he doesn’t hurt the children or the
cats. I think I have a name for my book “Life
lessons” – All of the random shit that has occurred throughout my days has had a
lesson attached to it – or at least I can make it appear that way, then tie
them all into a nice little philosophical bundle at the end. I want to write
now, I need to send my cousin an email reply but I feel that my concentration isn’t
good enough today – She writes like I
do, same words and everything – until the other day it had been 26years since
we had spoken. I think we would get along so well if we were to meet up again,
she lives in England you know. That is the same reason I am unable to do more
on the book – concentration I mean - So instead I am writing to you, because sentence
structure and content don’t matter it is easier to write a stream of consciousness
instead. I hope this book does well – please don’t take this letter as a sample
of my writing, I really am much better at it than it would appear right now.
Maybe I should start blogging again, fun stuff with the
serious I used to be good at it, I used to have followers and comments and won
some free bedding for some advertising in return, it was great. Speaking of
bedding, Ikea is opening up in Canberra next month and I can’t wait! I just
love the smell of the place, makes me happy – retail therapy is always good,
can’t leave that place without spending at least $1000, sadly that is not money
I have now that I’m not working. I hate being a dole bludger, though I suppose
the same people are paying my wage now that were paying it when I was working
but instead I sit on the other side of the computer.
I have some sugar free lollies that I just rescued from my
car – they are chews and the heat messes them up, shouldn’t bring them in
really, just means I will eat them all. Sugar free or not they still have 12
calories per sweet – that adds up really quick if you aren’t careful so I try
and make them last as long as possible. I have lost a tiny bit of weight, I can
tell because my jeans fit me better – another approx. ten kilos and I will fit
my clothes again, it takes so much work – I can’t believe I let myself go the
way I did. Never again, too painful. I think about death often still. I feel
that once I have reached ideal weight I will stop my Lithium and try and induce
mania, then I can kill myself when I hit euphoria- I like the idea of going out
on a high, the best feeling in the world becomes the eternal one, no more pain
no more downs just freedom – flying high.
Meredith, how do you feel about suicide? I am sure you have
entertained the idea at some point in your life, just for a second. I think
everyone has really. What I don’t understand is why people care so much about
stopping it. Hey it’s your life – abortion is legal and that’s someone else’s
life. The baby doesn’t have a choice, why can’t the adult make one? I agree
that as a once off freak out situation they should be educated to make an
informed decision, but if they had a few mandatory counselling sessions and
still wanted to die then they should be able to, depression can be a terminal
disease and much like cancer and the euthanasia debate, I don’t understand why
we can’t let people who really want to go, go.
I wish Boost Juice made home deliveries, I could really use
a ‘wondermelon’ right now – but I did just eat a lolly. Sigh… I HATE myself and
my stupid rules and rituals, but I can’t disobey or I get fat. I really want to
gamble at the moment speaking of vices. Ugh the lure of the trains – I want to
win run away money to put into my secret account should I need to do a bunker
to Melbourne or the like, just in case you decide to come with your policeman
the way Jaimie threatened to do that time. I have never forgotten and now I can
never ever trust any of you. I know you are going to call soon in the next few
days probably and when you do I will tell you I don’t want to be a part of your
organisation any more, please exit me – that way I don’t have to worry about
you sending anyone to take me away. I won’t go. You won’t make me. It will be a
battle to the death and I am not afraid to die. I also might just run to the
gate so I can grab Harold and throw him at the police… “Catch!” HA! How fucking
funny would that be! They wouldn’t know how to react, they would think I was
picking up a rock or something then SURPRISE! If he bites me, he bites me Que
Sera Sera, cest la vie and insert something in Italian here for good measure.
I’m cold Meredith, the fire is roaring but it’s not reaching
all the way down here to my little study nook. I do love my study nook,
temperature aside, It feels like my own special place, at least until the kids
come and bugger it up stealing my scissors and the like. Where do scissors go
to? Can you tell me Meredith? I have found that they disappear into thin air at
will and particularly around Christmas and birthdays when you need them the
most. That and the sticky tape. I swear though, I must have 7 or 8 pairs of
scissors and I literally can’t find one when I need them.
I feel like a joint, I have half of one left hiding in my
secret place but I am slightly scared to smoke it because I am a bit jittery
right now and I don’t want it to make me freak out, chances are it would just
calm me down, but you know – just in case. Maybe I will have it tomorrow then I
can do it first thing in the morning when I know I will have plenty of time to
straighten up before school pick up. I do like writing to you, it takes up the
time I would have doing nothing in particular – can’t read, can’t concentrate –
I vacuumed did the washing and the dishes, so I have done some practical stuff
today. Tomorrow I can’t smoke that joint, I forgot I have to go into Town and
have a blood test (Lithium levels) and then I have to go to Woolworths and Aldi
to get all the stuff I forgot yesterday. Ugh all costs money and the little bit
of extra cash I am making from gambling at the moment all has to go back into
the “escape plan” fund. I wish it was a warm day, it would be a nice day to do
some gardening – or meditating although I have been warned against meditation
when a bit ‘elevated’ as you like to call it, Belinda said from her experience
it seems to have a side effect of sending some people into psychotic mania….
Not ideal, then I would be forced to use the escape plan and I am not confident
enough to execute it at the moment. I was thinking I should get a layby out at
Kmart and pay all bar $5 off it, I would have a new outfit, a handbag, hair dye
and a hat in it so I could scarper more easily – as long as I can get on the
bus or train without being recognised it should buy me enough time to arrive at
my destination. Yes the layby can just be picked up easily, no footage on store
cameras of what is actually INSIDE the little black packaging, I can run into
the toilets at the park where there are no cameras and get changed. Ha! I am
too good for you and your little officers. But hopefully it won’t come to that,
I can escape from here by car – I can be well and truly gone before anyone even
arrives- I can have the car in the other driveway and spy from the bush if any
cars come and if they do, I jump in my car and head down the road the backway.
If I get pulled over by the cops I will have to die in a fireball of a car
chase- oooh how exhilarating! Its tempting to stay on the highway purely to
have that happen! Oh Meredith, luckily you will never read this letter – or all
my plans would be thwarted – I feel like the villain in the movie who tells his
evil plan to the superhero a little bit too soon. The difference here you see
is that you will a.) never read this letter and b.) if you WERE reading this
letter it would be because I was dead and therefor too late to go all superhero
on my arse J On
that note Meredith I must bid you farewell in favour of standing in front of
the fire warming up my freezing legs.
Take care my dear,
Swaglady
