Thursday, 12 February 2015

Be careful what you wish for...

I like to think that im not generally a violent person.
Well not towards others anyway.

There are very few people in this world that I have truly wished bodily harm upon – in fact there is pretty much only one. One person whom I honestly have contemplated taking a hit out on, lucky for the person in question I have never had the money or the means to do more that wish him harm with all my might.

This morning I got a text message informing me that he was in ICU in hospital on life support. I had this immediate rush of emotions that made me shiver deep into my core. It had actually happened.

I suddenly felt guilty for feeling so deeply… well I don’t even know… maybe a combination of extatic joy, excitement, disbelief and sudden sadness for the 11yr old daughter he has caused so much emotional pain to – she was already feeling guilty and conflicted about her increasing dislike of her own dad as she had grown older she was becoming more aware of the narcissistic games he would play against her mother hurting his own child along the way, her emotions just collateral damage.

I wondered what she was making of it, I worried that she would be blaming herself in the way an 11yr old will when something bad happens to someone they hate. She, such an emotional child already, so very at risk for developing long term psychological scars, she the talented young lady I had watched grow from a newborn baby into an independent thinking intelligent young women.

I hate to see her hurting, I am fiercely proud of her accomplishments as though she was my own child. I think of her like a neice and her mother, my best friend, like a sister.

I still sit here typing, despite the guilt I am still so desperately hoping that he never regains consciousness. I don’t wish him any pain, despite the amount he has caused others, but just to gently slip away to a place where he can no longer hurt anyone, I think particularly his younger daughter who has not yet reached an age where she can be permanently affected by him – While I know she will be saddened forever to not know her dad, the loss of a parent is a terrible cross to bear. But the reality is that she is the winner in all of this, only remembering her father through photographs and the kind words of strangers – after all, nobody speaks ill of the dead.

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