“You need sleep.” They all say it. The Doctor, The Guru, The Better Half.
YES I KNOW. I KNOW I NEED TO BLOODY SLEEP!
I am fully aware of the fact that if I am too high to sleep it makes it worse, but It’s just not that EASY to sleep. I mean it’s not like I don’t try. Apparently according to regular people all you have to do is lie down and sleep comes. *poof* Just like that.
The guru actually said in our last session she simply can’t understand how people can go without sleep. I told her to go do a line of coke and then try – it’s a fairly accurate comparison, so I’m told.
You see, a couple of things happen to me when I’m hypo/manic and lie down to go to sleep:
1. A beat that has been playing quietly in the back of my mind all day decides it’s quiet enough around the place and it must be karaoke time. The tune rises and comes forth with great gusto, unrelenting until I give in to the urge, slip in my earphones and play it. At least once, sometimes 20 times…
2. I can’t turn off my thoughts. Now these aren’t life changing thoughts or worries at all, they are really fleeting random things or images which lead off into other silly things or images or notions with lead on again and so forth, eventually one of these gets the better of me and I have to write it down immediately, google it or act on it.
3. I get irritated REALLY easily when I’m trying to stay still. My head is usually 100 miles an hour and so trying to stop thinking/ jittering usually just pisses me off, the sheets make me itchy, The Better Half snoring grates me (even more than usual), I hear the kangaroos creeping around the garden, undoubtedly eating more of my petunias and that really pisses me off.
4. I need to pee.
5. I need a drink.
6. I NEED to clean the linen cupboard/ unstack the dishwasher /sort out the photo album from 1997.
7. I start writing that biography in my head again.
8. I finally think of an awesome tune to go with those lyrics I wrote in 2003 and HAVE to go and nut it out on the guitar before I forget it again.
9. I think of a BRILLIANT product idea, think of a name, create a Facebook page, Gmail account, web address and blog site even though the chance of me ever looking at any of them again is slim to none, even if I do remember the password...
10. I figure out how to save the government millions of dollars by doing something that will take 20 committees 5 years to consider thinking about but start drafting a proposal to send to a ministers department somewhere anyway.
Basically it simply boils down to IM JUST NOT FUCKING TIRED. OK?
I do understand that people who are not on a natural speed like high must find this inability to sleep difficult. Hell when I’m depressed I have trouble NOT sleeping, my mind runs on turtle speed and I will quite happily stay in bed for… well until I am manic again.
Meanwhile Its 2:30am (again) the coffee table is dusty, I need a “to do” list for tomorrow, I need to write a shopping list for the school fundraiser and that spare room could sure use a tidy up…