When I decided to write this blog, I had it in my mind that it would be a combination of narrative therapy, inspiration, education and eventually maybe something to live for. I have written blogs before, they have waxed and waned with my moods and sometimes given me a chance to explore and explain who I really am, but I have never been able to be truly honest. Until now.
I have discovered the need to vent, to say what your heart is thinking, it helps you survive. Unfortunately you can't always tell these things to the people you care about and you especially can't tell the people who care about you.
When your best friend and husband look you in they eye and ask how you are, and you simply fake a smile and say 'fine.' I mean, how can you possibly say to them that all you can really think about is how when and where to die?
How can you say how desperately hard it is to simply breath and exist in a world that you feel so isolated from, even though you are surrounded by people who love you and there is no reasonable reason to even be sad?
So, instead I will tell the world, whine to you all out there how fucking awful it feels to have no control over your emotional self and how hard it is to even care enough to want to any more.
Today, I spent the day semi- paralytic in bed while my friends and family had a fun filled barbeque in my house without me. A day I had been planning and looking forward to for a week. Instead I spoke to nobody drifting in and out of consciousness, the guilty aftermath of a semi-intentional drug overdose.
I wasn't trying to kill myself, I just wanted to sleep, NEEDED to sleep. So I took too many pills.
I told them I had a migraine and vertigo, passed it off as heat stroke from spending too much time in the sun the previous day.
They believed me.
After the nausea, dizziness and hallucinations finally dissipated at around 8pm this evening, my brain was unfortunately still completely wired and so I calmly took my meds again, and chose to simply double the dose instead of times it by 5 this time. I clearly don't learn. But alas, apart from some marginal nausea again and the vision in my right eye not being quite right its now 2am my brain is in overdrive and I'm not sleeping but sitting at the computer, still not even remotely tired.
A large part of me wants to go and swallow the rest of the bottle, a hundred or so tablets. Then I can sleep, and I never, ever have to wake up. A thought that fills me with such a sense of calm clarity that it takes every ounce of will power not to do it.
Tomorrow I have to go and see my psychologist (aka 'The Guru') and then I am expected to turn up at work, another normal day in paradise. I'm sick of lying to everyone, but I can't tell the truth either.
This, is fucked.