I just re read the letter I wrote to you the other day. It makes me look a bit crazy, in my defence I was a touch agitated and anxious at the time. It all makes sense though really, you just have to join the dots, align the metaphors as though they were the lyrics of a song, then you might understand.
It’s hard you know, faking it til you make it, really fucking hard. I can’t remember how to be a mum or a wife its all just going through the motions, if I’m ‘up’ its warm and I have my glasses on and if I’m down the world is blurry and cold but either way the rest of the world lies behind a window. I want to go back to work but I am scared to, and I am just as scared not to. I know I couldn’t cope today but I have two weeks of holidays to allow for spontaneous mental re alignment. Work is the real world they can all function in, why can’t I? I just want to be able to do what they do without this ‘thing’ hanging over my head. I spoke to my old, old boss from the shop yesterday, I told him about my diagnosis and he said that it made a lot of sense, he remembered how I would suddenly be able to sell ice to eskimos for a few months and then not have the motivation to say hello to people for another few. But even then, in those days I was able to function – Hell I sold ice to eskimos without freaking out they were going to send polar bears after me, why is it NOW that I get so paranoid when I’m up, why not just the productive happy for months – I’m getting two weeks of happy or paranoid then I just get depressed again, it’s all happening so fast like a fucking roller coaster set to high speed. It’s tiring, I am exhausted – where’s my so called decreased need for sleep that I used to have, I’m jittery and fucking can’t concentrate I have music playing in my mind and the thinking wont.fucking.stop – which is more annoying than enlightening. I want to drink, drown my sorrows but I can’t. And part of me wants to die again so badly, the other day when I thought the police were coming for me I made a bomb proof plan of how to get away which I will never tell because the enabling part of me is the paranoid part of me and I need that back up, ‘just in case’ but the other day, I didn’t think to kill myself, oh that would have been so much simpler. I know where that brown snake lives now… Reckon the cops would shoot me if I threw a snake at them? I don’t want to kill him, I named him Harold, I’m not afraid of him hurting me, as long as he doesn’t hurt the children or the cats. I think I have a name for my book “Life lessons” – All of the random shit that has occurred throughout my days has had a lesson attached to it – or at least I can make it appear that way, then tie them all into a nice little philosophical bundle at the end. I want to write now, I need to send my cousin an email reply but I feel that my concentration isn’t good enough today – She writes like I do, same words and everything – until the other day it had been 26years since we had spoken. I think we would get along so well if we were to meet up again, she lives in England you know. That is the same reason I am unable to do more on the book – concentration I mean - So instead I am writing to you, because sentence structure and content don’t matter it is easier to write a stream of consciousness instead. I hope this book does well – please don’t take this letter as a sample of my writing, I really am much better at it than it would appear right now.
Maybe I should start blogging again, fun stuff with the serious I used to be good at it, I used to have followers and comments and won some free bedding for some advertising in return, it was great. Speaking of bedding, Ikea is opening up in Canberra next month and I can’t wait! I just love the smell of the place, makes me happy – retail therapy is always good, can’t leave that place without spending at least $1000, sadly that is not money I have now that I’m not working. I hate being a dole bludger, though I suppose the same people are paying my wage now that were paying it when I was working but instead I sit on the other side of the computer.
I have some sugar free lollies that I just rescued from my car – they are chews and the heat messes them up, shouldn’t bring them in really, just means I will eat them all. Sugar free or not they still have 12 calories per sweet – that adds up really quick if you aren’t careful so I try and make them last as long as possible. I have lost a tiny bit of weight, I can tell because my jeans fit me better – another approx. ten kilos and I will fit my clothes again, it takes so much work – I can’t believe I let myself go the way I did. Never again, too painful. I think about death often still. I feel that once I have reached ideal weight I will stop my Lithium and try and induce mania, then I can kill myself when I hit euphoria- I like the idea of going out on a high, the best feeling in the world becomes the eternal one, no more pain no more downs just freedom – flying high.
Meredith, how do you feel about suicide? I am sure you have entertained the idea at some point in your life, just for a second. I think everyone has really. What I don’t understand is why people care so much about stopping it. Hey it’s your life – abortion is legal and that’s someone else’s life. The baby doesn’t have a choice, why can’t the adult make one? I agree that as a once off freak out situation they should be educated to make an informed decision, but if they had a few mandatory counselling sessions and still wanted to die then they should be able to, depression can be a terminal disease and much like cancer and the euthanasia debate, I don’t understand why we can’t let people who really want to go, go.
I wish Boost Juice made home deliveries, I could really use a ‘wondermelon’ right now – but I did just eat a lolly. Sigh… I HATE myself and my stupid rules and rituals, but I can’t disobey or I get fat. I really want to gamble at the moment speaking of vices. Ugh the lure of the trains – I want to win run away money to put into my secret account should I need to do a bunker to Melbourne or the like, just in case you decide to come with your policeman the way Jaimie threatened to do that time. I have never forgotten and now I can never ever trust any of you. I know you are going to call soon in the next few days probably and when you do I will tell you I don’t want to be a part of your organisation any more, please exit me – that way I don’t have to worry about you sending anyone to take me away. I won’t go. You won’t make me. It will be a battle to the death and I am not afraid to die. I also might just run to the gate so I can grab Harold and throw him at the police… “Catch!” HA! How fucking funny would that be! They wouldn’t know how to react, they would think I was picking up a rock or something then SURPRISE! If he bites me, he bites me Que Sera Sera, cest la vie and insert something in Italian here for good measure.
I’m cold Meredith, the fire is roaring but it’s not reaching all the way down here to my little study nook. I do love my study nook, temperature aside, It feels like my own special place, at least until the kids come and bugger it up stealing my scissors and the like. Where do scissors go to? Can you tell me Meredith? I have found that they disappear into thin air at will and particularly around Christmas and birthdays when you need them the most. That and the sticky tape. I swear though, I must have 7 or 8 pairs of scissors and I literally can’t find one when I need them.
I feel like a joint, I have half of one left hiding in my secret place but I am slightly scared to smoke it because I am a bit jittery right now and I don’t want it to make me freak out, chances are it would just calm me down, but you know – just in case. Maybe I will have it tomorrow then I can do it first thing in the morning when I know I will have plenty of time to straighten up before school pick up. I do like writing to you, it takes up the time I would have doing nothing in particular – can’t read, can’t concentrate – I vacuumed did the washing and the dishes, so I have done some practical stuff today. Tomorrow I can’t smoke that joint, I forgot I have to go into Town and have a blood test (Lithium levels) and then I have to go to Woolworths and Aldi to get all the stuff I forgot yesterday. Ugh all costs money and the little bit of extra cash I am making from gambling at the moment all has to go back into the “escape plan” fund. I wish it was a warm day, it would be a nice day to do some gardening – or meditating although I have been warned against meditation when a bit ‘elevated’ as you like to call it, Belinda said from her experience it seems to have a side effect of sending some people into psychotic mania…. Not ideal, then I would be forced to use the escape plan and I am not confident enough to execute it at the moment. I was thinking I should get a layby out at Kmart and pay all bar $5 off it, I would have a new outfit, a handbag, hair dye and a hat in it so I could scarper more easily – as long as I can get on the bus or train without being recognised it should buy me enough time to arrive at my destination. Yes the layby can just be picked up easily, no footage on store cameras of what is actually INSIDE the little black packaging, I can run into the toilets at the park where there are no cameras and get changed. Ha! I am too good for you and your little officers. But hopefully it won’t come to that, I can escape from here by car – I can be well and truly gone before anyone even arrives- I can have the car in the other driveway and spy from the bush if any cars come and if they do, I jump in my car and head down the road the backway. If I get pulled over by the cops I will have to die in a fireball of a car chase- oooh how exhilarating! Its tempting to stay on the highway purely to have that happen! Oh Meredith, luckily you will never read this letter – or all my plans would be thwarted – I feel like the villain in the movie who tells his evil plan to the superhero a little bit too soon. The difference here you see is that you will a.) never read this letter and b.) if you WERE reading this letter it would be because I was dead and therefor too late to go all superhero on my arse J On that note Meredith I must bid you farewell in favour of standing in front of the fire warming up my freezing legs.
Take care my dear,