Hypocrite

I seem to be spending an awful lot of time at work referring suicidal ppl to social workers, telling them how we will help them and that they are amazing just for trying.

Fuck I’m full of it, I hear the words come out of my mouth and I want to throw up a little. As a bystander I have to assume that these ppl don’t want to die, that they just need help. Doing this makes me realise that that is the same for the ppl that try to ‘help’ me – they don’t understand how well thought out my actions are, that it is more than a freak out to a situation.

Currently trying to come up with a decently practiced argument to support my decision, one that ppl will realise is my actual thought out choice, not something thrown upon me by a devilish mental illness hell bent on destroying me. Really, if we spent less time stopping ppl killing themselves we would be breeding a stronger race ;-)

I suppose I have become an accidental non practising Buddhist – I have hit nirvana and have no further business here, I’m impatient to become one with the earth again. Every day that I live is so fake – going through the motions – I don’t really see any benefit in it at all, I am done, quest complete. The date I was aiming for isn’t going to work unfortunately, the substitute date is the last possible option – I suppose that makes sense really, of course it is – whatever the date is it will be the last option, cause there are no more options once you’re dead LOL.

Just like the object you are looking for is always in the last place you look!

You Are My Sunshine

 Today is the day before mother’s day, I have been really sick this week with Lithium toxicity, went to the doc again today after stopping the lithium 3 days ago, my symptoms are still getting worse, I am trembling constantly, I have a thing called Nystagmus where my eyes jump around all over the place when I try and focus. The doc said the Lithium should have cleared my system by now and has ordered more bloods, she thinks I also have a sinus infection which is contributing to the feeling like hell so I’m on antibiotics too.

I was left feeling awful terrified that this could be permanent, my eyes are so bad that it is taking me forever just to type this and its quite painful. Suicide has been on my mind again lot lately and then something happened this afternoon that made me feel really guilty about it, less like I would be doing them a favour.  

My 5yr old daughter (baby bel) came up to me handing me a little creation she made and said “This is for mother’s day tomorrow but I want to give it to you now. Then I can give it to you again tomorrow.”

This is the card:

She the promptly looks me in the eye and with a big smile starts singing

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are grey, you never know how much I love you, so please don’t take my sunshine away. 

Mum, you are my sunshine, I love you SOOOOOOOO much!”

Please don’t take my sunshine away. Fuck.

Sorry baby girl, I promise I will try my best I love you Sooooo much too! You may have just saved my life.

 

Guilt

A baby is born with his father’s eyes, his grandmother’s chin and his auntie’s cheeky smile.

But when you look close, and stare awhile at this child you brought into the world you are washed with guilt and sad denial. Because one day people may look at him and no longer see his father’s eyes or his aunty’s smile.

Instead they may then only see the unwanted gift that you have left there just for him, hidden in the deepest crevices of DNA, the biological sin you tried to hide is ready to surprise on his weakest night.

How could you tell him that the genes you shared were so deeply flawed and full of despair, he looks at his reflection and sees his father’s eyes, yet the only reminder of his mother he will ever find is in his own recreation of her broken mind.