You Are My Sunshine

 Today is the day before mother’s day, I have been really sick this week with Lithium toxicity, went to the doc again today after stopping the lithium 3 days ago, my symptoms are still getting worse, I am trembling constantly, I have a thing called Nystagmus where my eyes jump around all over the place when I try and focus. The doc said the Lithium should have cleared my system by now and has ordered more bloods, she thinks I also have a sinus infection which is contributing to the feeling like hell so I’m on antibiotics too.

I was left feeling awful terrified that this could be permanent, my eyes are so bad that it is taking me forever just to type this and its quite painful. Suicide has been on my mind again lot lately and then something happened this afternoon that made me feel really guilty about it, less like I would be doing them a favour.  

My 5yr old daughter (baby bel) came up to me handing me a little creation she made and said “This is for mother’s day tomorrow but I want to give it to you now. Then I can give it to you again tomorrow.”

This is the card:

She the promptly looks me in the eye and with a big smile starts singing

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are grey, you never know how much I love you, so please don’t take my sunshine away. 

Mum, you are my sunshine, I love you SOOOOOOOO much!”

Please don’t take my sunshine away. Fuck.

Sorry baby girl, I promise I will try my best I love you Sooooo much too! You may have just saved my life.

 

look her in the eye

She smiles at you, runs into the room to say goodnight,

But you cant tell her why, you cant look her in the eye.

When she says “I love you mummy, more than the whole wide world” it cut you so deep the amount of faith that she’s shown, to think that she loves you when you don’t deserve to be known.

You tell your daughter that you love her too but think to yourself, that mumma’s gotta go soon, she’s already decided what to do, and no amount of lying will change that awful truth, that you were abandoning your babies when they really needed you.

But you’re a selfish mother fucker with too many scars that don’t heal, and it’s no place for children when you can’t control how you feel, when you yell and you scream about nothing that’s real, no reason for your anger expect you’ve eaten a meal.

Until there’s no point, no point in trying, it wouldn’t be fair, spent too much time hiding, the love that should be naturally there. Because to actually feel it? It fucking hurts. The guilt that comes from not really being present after their births, for not giving them attention when they needed it most, from hiding in your bedroom like a god forsaken ghost.

You know they are better off without you, so maybe your final gift to them, won’t just have to shit all over them, but actually help them too, just maybe, you can break the curse of this mother fucking cycle, maybe you can empower what’s left of their youth when you take away their problem like the problem took you.

Bitter and twisted

I’m not cut out to be a mother. Not anymore anyway.

I don’t think I even love them properly anymore, more like an aunt and certainly not like a mother. I can’t take the fighting, and I am unable to discipline them effectively. They don’t care what I say, and frankly I don’t care either. I just want to run away and hide.

I feed them, clothe them and go through the motions when I am home. and I fantasize about disappearing, where I would go, how I would get there – how I would fund it.

I have to take them to school now. One just slammed his finger in the car door – It is wrong that this exasperates me rather than worries or upsets me. Fuck everything.