Well I guess this rapid cycling / mixed episode I have been having over the last few months is hopefully or at least currently turning into a regular old hypomanic episode now and while my body is definitely a bit tired now, my eyes are heavy but my brain is on and I really can’t sleep at all and I have been trying since about 7pm. I feel really good considering I’ve had around 3hours sleep since Wednesday and its now nearly midnight on Friday.
For the first time in ages I don’t actually feel depressed
at all– more enlightened than anything at the moment. My head is super clear
which is a really welcome relief, It’s like cleaning a dirty window and to be
honest I think I had actually forgotten what not feeling depressed felt like – it’s actually really fucking good!
Funny to think how hell bent on suicide I was just
yesterday. Quite happy to hang around for now. I don’t know how long this good
feeling is going to last and want to write its existence down here while I am
enjoying it so if I wind up depressed again tomorrow I can remember that the
fog can clear and it can actually be great.
I am not actually sure what prompted the positive change…This
morning I was suicidal and a really, really deflating kind of tired, I nearly
fell asleep at the wheel driving to work and didn’t care and actually cursed
that I hadn’t. The last few nights were sleepless but also an uncomfortable combination
of a crazy running mind but instead of awesome ideas they were filled with
depression and suicide plans and this came along with deflating exhaustion and
bursts of irritated adrenaline where I needed to just run. Sort of flight or
fight response to absolutely nothing.
Yet although I haven’t actually slept yet, around I think midday
today I ‘woke up’ suddenly like a light switch, decided to put dance music on
my iPod and started feeling completely re energized in a great way, mucking
around with some of the other staff, giggling and being heaps more productive
at my actual work again, which was great since recently I have had a lot of
trouble managing to complete or even start the most menial of tasks.
Driving home started to put me to sleep – more my eyes
demanding rest than anything, my brain was still wired – I got home and thought
it would be a great opportunity to go straight to bed while I was tired enough
to maybe actually sleep because I KNOW I need it or bad things will happen. So
I tried and tried but sleep evaded and I have just given up on that and come
out here to write hoping that it will be enough to slow my brain enough to fall
asleep. I have discovered a new trick – playing dance music when I am hyped up
and trying to sleep keeps my mind occupied enough to actually start thinking
about resting. Whereas silence drives me completely nuts and slower paced music
doesn’t take up nearly enough thought space and the other restless part of my
mind sort of thinks over the top of it like speaking over the top of someone in
a conversation I guess. Not a productive thing
in the sleep department anyway!
Tomorrow I have to take the better half to the doctor for
more antibiotics ( he has pneumonia) and then tomorrow night it’s the MILs b
day dinner, which I think I will be attending alone as the better half isn’t really
up to it. I don’t want to go if I am still this racy though- that little
paranoid part of my mind thinks they are on to me and I really don’t want that
half of my family knowing about my not so healthy mental state if it can be
helped. I have also been so seriously close to breaking point in the last week
that I would hate myself to end up snapping into psychosis at a family dinner
without my support person present – a rather terrifying thought!
I should go try sleep again – although I think it’s a pointless
venture sitting here writing won’t make me saner.
Nighty night peeps, see you on the flip side!
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