I knew it was coming, I could feel it. But I chose not to
heed the warning signs and now it is too late, I am owned.
I have had my mind infiltrated by my best friend and worst
enemy. I now hear her as a voice separate to my own, which is different to the
way it was before. She made a whispered promise to help me reach my goals, to
set me free from this depression and stabilize my hectic mood swings as she has
an amazing power to gain control. But she lied. Of course she did, she always
does.
I am depressed and mostly at her will it is decided whether
I retreat into myself or not. I want to partake in conversations I normally
would, my own voice is still there in my mind as it always was, making small
talk, laughing at jokes and making smart arse comments but I am unable to speak
out loud unless permission is given by her. My thoughts are racing, my
concentration sucks and my thoughts are darker and darker the further out of
control I get the more I need her to be in charge, her voice is loud,
belittling, sarcastic and often contradictory, but it keeps me functioning in
society.
As much as I know I should fight it, her, for my own mind. I
am too weak. Frankly, I am done trying to escape, the pain of fighting it is so
much worse than the pain of succumbing to her call and I am stuck again, sucked
into the vortex she creates, that I created for myself and I know deep down I
won’t get out this time, it’s over.
Like a cliché Stockholm syndrome, I have fallen in love with
my captor.
I have been put on Lithium in conjunction with the
Lamotrogine for the bipolar and when I went to see my psychiatrist after a
fairly good morning with intention to ask for help with the ED I was rendered
almost unable to speak or concentrate, her voice loud in my head a constant
stream of:
“You cant say
anything you fucking idiot, then she will want to weigh you, maybe put you in
hospital and then make you EAT. If you EAT you will get FATTER. Do you want to
get FATTER? Do you WANT to get more depressed? Why not go end it now then, jump
through the fucking glass window and slice your femoral artery. Go on! I dare
you!! You know why you’re not doing it? Why you haven’t killed yourself yet? It’s
because you are a weak piece of shit and you’re never going to have any sort of
control over yourself.
Watch as you go the fuck home and eat a tub of ice-cream
then come back and cry about how sad you are – see now that she thinks your
depressed again she’s upping your meds. You know Lithium makes you fat right?
REALLY FAT. You have photos on the weekend, you wanted to pretend to be normal
for a minute, thin and normal wearing your jeans that used to fit you until you
went manic and thought it was ok to eat. Hot chips! REALLY???!! WTF is wrong
with you, you dumb whore, each potato has 150 Cal and you had them deep fried
in lard and fuck knows how many potatos are in a bucket of chips – Oh and don’t
forget the icecream. I hope that you had fun in Melbourne because you are NEVER
EVER going back there, 8kg, 8kg!!!!! the consequences aren’t worth it, are
they?
Or… You could let me help you? You don’t have to get fatter-
even if you can’t pretend but actually have to take the Lithium because of the
blood tests. All you have to do is say no. Every time you eat when you take
Lithium, your weak piece of shit self will end up binging again, so stop
eating. COMPLETELY stop. You know the tricks, you know how to lie! Hell you
might even be able to lose weight before the photos! You have 6 days to prove
yourself, if you fuck it up then you are a lost cause, destined to be a fat
heffer for the rest of your life.”
It was Monday, so I filled my script, went home and didn’t
eat, kept my 1hr exercise regime up. Tuesday, I didn’t eat and exercised properly
AND got offered a new job with less hours and better pay. – A reward for my diligence, she suggested.
Wednesday I had off work – this would be my biggest
challenge, especially as I was supposed to meet a friend for dinner. I managed
to turn dinner into coffee and then of course didn’t have a cake like she did.
then this morning (Thursday) I woke up tired and weak and a
bit nauseated, so I didn’t exercise ‘she’ suggested that I weighed myself for
the first time in around a month – mostly to teach me a lesson about not
exercising – But I was pleasantly surprised, I had actually lost weight!! She
allowed me to try on my clack shorts and grey pants and they fit perfectly. So
today was allowed to be a good day and she has left me alone somewhat although
I was hungry a bit during the day but she gave some gentle encouragement and I
managed to deflect it by chewing gum and guzzling diet coke.
I am slightly messed up however by the slight reaction I
have been having to the Lithium – an uncontrollable shaking of my hands making
it very difficult to write and dizziness, I am aware that some of that may be
attributed to the lack of food too.
Then tonight at dinner time I fucked it all up. Badly.
I ate some zucchini
stuffed with cauliflower, garlic, onion and capsicum. It tasted so good while I
ate it, until reality set in and I realised what I had done, my stomach seemed
to grow before my eyes, I desperately wanted to throw it up but for whatever
reason I am incapable of purging, always have been. So we went to bed and
watched some episodes of Fringe, all the while I am too busy listening to the
loud voice in my head reprimanding me for my actions, I hate myself.
I realised I hadn’t taken my tablets so I got up to do so
and for whatever fucked up reason opened the chocolate ice cream sitting in the
freezer and bloody ate some – about 100 cal worth. SHIT. So that essentially
renders today’s minimal 300 cal exercise null and void and she is very, very
angry with me. The voice is too loud to sleep… Many suggestions are that now
might be an ideal time to finish things, It would be good timing really as I am
changing jobs, the photos will be done so there will be something for the kids
to remember me by.
I also now have Lithium at my disposal, FINALLY a drug I can
use to properly OD on, I would still combine it with the original cocktail, but
at least it guarantees the outcome and is a great quick escape should I find
myself cornered.
But on the other hand, this new job brings in great money,
so I could stay there as per the original plan and use that extra income so we
can finish the house and yards off a bit and make up some savings for the
funeral, they are so damn expensive – Far out, a cardboard box in a bonfire at
the farm is fine by me. If I can keep up the not eating, eventually my heart
will fail and I can sleep in peace, really I do feel this would be a much nicer
way of going than the throwing up and shitting myself overdoses may bring if I
fuck it up and end up not actually dying, also worried about screwing up the
drive into a tree thing and becoming a quadriplegic. Other options tend to
involve excessive bloodiness and scaring someone else for life – that’s plain
unkind and so of course it’s my last resort.
Tomorrow I have to stick with it. It’s my last day at my old
job and they want to take me out for lunch but I have to somehow not eat or
maybe choke down a small garden salad as I NEED to be ready for these photos on
Sunday. I am also really worried that after that I know I kinda need to start eating
a little bit because I have two weeks of intensive training at my new job and I
really need to be able to concentrate and remember things, but I am scared to
do that. Gaining weight is NOT AN OPTION, and I am worried that I won’t be able
to maintain my current weight. I really need to go 3kg under my goal so that I
have a safety net to rely on. *sigh*
Back on the roller coaster.
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