coming down

I hate myself sometimes, stupid shit you say when you are high that you know you will inadvertently regret when you come down again. The worst part about that is, while high, you are fully aware that you will have those regrets but you don’t give a fuck and do/say/write those things anyway. Ugh.

Yesterday we went 4wd ing with the Gypsy & The Replacement. It started off awesome, I had about 2 maybe 3 hrs sleep that night and was still tripping happy (so happy I bloody ate two chocolate bars for breakfast… but anyway…)

We went out into the mountains, up hills, down dales and I did my first ‘bush wee’ – I am aware that at my age and being a country gal from Australia it is a tad unusual to be a virgin bush wee-er, but I have some awesome holding power and it is something I have been too much of a snob to consider in the past!

So we were having a great old time, I even made a couple of videos (man my voice sounds so different to the way I hear it) and at this point we had headed roughly 2hrs into the middle of nowhere. I am known for getting motion sickness at the best of times and my head was still travelling WAY TOO FAST so of course the rockier the track got the slower the car was going. I think the wired brain combined with the bumpy windy slow turns is what fucked me over, I felt SO car sick, I couldn’t move, I just wanted to die – not in the usual suicidal manner to which I have become accustomed but in the more traditional “end the physical pain” kind of way.

We eventually made it back to civilization and I made TBH park at some random camping ground so that I could get out of the car. I just needed everything to STOP – The feeling was kind of like when you walk up an escalator that isn’t moving, it fucks with your vestibular system or something and makes everything related to movement impossible.

I eventually was coaxed back into the car by TBH as we were travelling in a convoy of 3 cars and had lost our companions who also had some of our kids with them. We eventually found them at a little waterhole area with a playground along the river where they had let the kids out for a swim – I sat on the bank watching them until I started feeling better (it turns out the best part of a pack of dorrito’s can do wonders for motion sickness).

While I did start feeling better physically, underneath the nausea I was still high as harry and so my thoughts were galloping my vision was slightly blurry and it was making me generally dizzy. We left the river, went back to the Gypsies place and headed out for dinner, I felt good again at this point and ate a shit tonn of chinese food, it was really nice and I was still feeling happy but I suddenly got hit by a sudden incapacitating tiredness, my eyes drooped and I felt like I had just thrown down 6 shots of straight whisky.

 The being awake for the best part of 5 days straight had finally hit me.

We left then and I refused to take the kids in my car, this clearly worried The Better Half and I had to quickly convince him that I wasn’t suicidal, I was fucking exhausted and didn’t want to risk hurting them if I passed out at the wheel. I just needed to SLEEP. Somehow I made it home, luckily the car is like an old horse and seems to know the way by itself. I crawled into bed and didn’t wake up until 7:30 this morning!

I woke feeling quite agitated, not happy high, not depressed just irritable and a bit fast. The water truck came and delivered some water (hasn’t rained in a really long time) and a lady down the road called asking if I can mind her kids. Every part of my brain was saying NO NO NO NO! so of course I said yes because I’m hopeless. My best friend is coming up today and I really didn’t need random extra kids. The Guru sent a text regarding contact within 24hrs if need to cancel an appointment to avoid a fee – for some reason this is upsetting me a bit, logically I know due to it’s word structure that it’s probably automated but I had only emailed with her yesterday about changing a time because I had stupidly forgotton that school holidays finish this week and the kids have to go back. She emailed back saying she wanted The Better Half to come so we can work out some sort of ‘plan b’ for my suicidal moods – something else dumb I did when high was agree to her talking to TBH and I told her that I was happy to act in “my best interests”.

The trouble with that was I was fucking off my nut happy when I said it and forgot that I actually feel down quite often and that means “my best interests” can result in my loss of freedom.

I really need to have that freedom. I won’t cope at all locked up in a psych ward somewhere based off someone else’s judgement of my temporary mood and the only way I can see getting out of that situation is a final and likely unpleasant one for those around me. I want to go out on my own terms, in my own time, not like that.

 Now I am just plain scared to say how I really feel in case they trip out and act on it. I can’t believe I put that in writing. Fuck this, maybe I am coming down again. That was a pretty big high, which traditionally means I’m in for a pretty big low. I’m still really tired, maybe simply getting more sleep will fix it.

I sent a message in reply to the cancellation text saying not to worry about this appointment, we can do it next week when we have a new time so I can sort it out properly with work, she still thinks I’m high so I don’t think that will backfire, but I really have to learn when to stop talking.