Suicide attempt and the week that followed

Hi people,

I have just uploaded the below posts which I had stored on my computer but never posted. I decided to upload them all and start doing this blog properly as in the past writing has been good therepy for me. If you are reading this in order I need to add a pretty big TRIGGER WARNING. If you have any thoughts of suicide AT ALL, this is NOT the blog to read. Stop, turn around and leave now!

Quick.... off you go!


I will wait.....


Ok, now that the crazies are gone ( I can say that cause they aren't supposed to still be reading),
The most recent post below was during a mixed transitional state which peaked out the next morning (Monday) when I couldn't handle being in my own skin anymore.

I tried to crash the car twice (ended up being harder than it sounds) and ended up just damaging it and then I went to work where I promptly lost the last of my marbles in the car park and ended up ODing on the only available substance I had with me at the time which was paracetamol, I took enough to do the deed and started feeling nauseous pretty quickly. I had been under the impression that it took several hours if not days to work so I was a bit taken aback by how fast I was affected.
I went into my work, told them I was sick and had to go and went back to the car.

I was quite disoriented at this point I drove (very stupid and unsafe decision) I wasn't sure where to go but was feeling increasingly unwell, I thought I would head out to a look out area I like around 40km from my small town, unfortunately (or fortunately upon reflection) I was getting dizzier and dizzier and realised I wasn't going to make it. I reached the small town before my small town and started vomiting uncontrollably, this is not ideal whilst driving and made a huge mess of the car while trying not to swerve into oncoming traffic.

The vomiting probably saved me as I think I threw up a large portion of what I had ingested, I managed to make it home and had a bit of a freak out regarding the children coming home from school and finding me, I even contemplated calling a friend to take me to hospital so that wouldn't happen but didn't want to risk them saving my life.

At this point all I could think about was crawling into bed, which I did and slept for what must have been a few hours. I woke up - this in its self upset me greatly - and promptly threw up again, lay in bed feeling god awful for a few more hours, started to feel more alive and pulled out the lap top to google how long liver failure takes etc and did a vlog entry.

Long story short, hubby came home and I had to confess due to my pitiful state, he was AMAZING about it ( I am SO lucky to have him) and took me to the GP. She took blood tests, organised hubby to stay with me and I managed to talk my way out of being sectioned although I could see she wasn't happy about it. I came home and started to feel better physically and mentally, went to bed and SLEPT until morning.

Tuesday I woke up manic, as you do, but physically fine, organised a week and a half off work and we went to the shops and bought some things we needed, hubby kept watch of my money spending and had lunch together and talked. It was actually a really nice day! That night I ended up in a mixed mood again and was starting to really freak out but was eventually able to contain it by running on the treadmill for half an hour with my headphones up full bore.

Wednesday I went out with a friend to the movies and was flying high but still reasonable, spent a bit too much money, ate too much and didn't care until later that evening but then as I was manic I continued to binge ALL night because I didn't go to sleep.

Thursday I went out by myself - I was manic as hell at this point and bought a STACK of things, ate too much, GAMBLED (very very naughty for me) luckily I ended up $200 richer. Went and looked at new cars I cant afford ( I am going to have care salesmen bothering me for months) Met a friend for coffee and headed to my GP appointment.

My GP has been awesomely trying to find me a new Psychiatrist and generally being very helpful. All my blood work came back ok even the liver function test - which was surprising.
So I have all these plans in place now for in case of more nervous breakdowns, my hubby has been given phone numbers and strategies for him to use on me if I happen to lose it when he is around.

Knowing myself, when I am in that state the chances of me calling anyone are pretty slim as I don't want help, I want to die. When you WANT to die, you don't tend to make phone calls to people who will stop that from happening.

Just glad to be still fairly hypomanic today (Friday) but not off my rocker and rested as I actually had a real full nights sleep last night!

I will leave it there, but that's an update on my mixed episode instant suicide attempt.

Can't take it anymore

Well that fucked up. I don’t know what the fuck I want right now, part of me is angry most of me is sad – suck at life, suck even more at death. I have EVERYTHING, the best life anyone could hope for so WHY don’t I want it? Why do I just want to dissolve away into nothingness?

Why when I ask that question does it not change my thoughts at all? I cant stop moving, thinking, I wanna run, I wanna scream and I want to curl up and go to sleep. My mood is varying between agitated as fuck and euphoric, I have been anxious all day because of ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING! I have nothing at all to be sad, angry or anxious about. I should be euphoric all the bloody time, I have everything that everyone could ever want. I dont know! I cant fucking handle it, Im so damn shakey I just want the whole thing to end, except I SUCK at suicide. I keep remembering and forgetting everything, EVERYTHING from why I walked into a room to that its my sons birthday next week so WHY WOULD I TAKE THOSE TABLETS THEN????? I sure as shit don’t want help for it.

Followed by fuck I keep waking up and the tablets havnt bloody worked, I will take more… Oh wait its my sons birthday next week, I FUCKING FORGOT AGAIN!!!
I guess im in a mixed state at the moment. Cant stop thinking, its like a runaway train – I cant think rationally – which brings me to my next point – if I KNOW I am not thinking rationally, then how do I know that they are actually wrong – I may not want to kill my self later, however if I go ahead with it I wont br able to regret it because I will be dead. So it wont matter.

I would love this fucking lithium to work, I would love this lithium to keep supressing my appetite. I would love this pressure neck head thing to stop – I don’t know if it is anxiety or the lithium causing it – only get it when taking Li but by the same token I am generally taking Lithium when I am rapid cycling/manically mixed state and by definition anxious.

God I just need it to stop, if if wake up tomorrow and this is still the same I don’t think I will be able to go to work. It just needs to stop – the fucked upedness is that this will NEVER TRULY GO AWAY. I cant live with myself knowing that my family, my perfect fucking family should be subjected to a crazy wife / mother / daughter. I cant EVER deal with the in laws finding out about this, which means I cant be truly honest with my Psych or GP because I know they would hospitalise me. Frankly I am aware that this is what I really need, but I cant be hospitalised because then the family would find out. NOBODY can find out. Its not ok for this to be me – I don’t care if other ppl have mental illness and I would jump up and advocate for them in a heart beat, but not me. That’s different.

If I end it they will never have to live with the shame, I wont have to live with the shame. I don't want to go to work tomorrow I don’t have the ability to cope with the pressure of the new training that I didn’t see. I bought new dresses to wear to work – this should mean I am subconsciously happy about going but I think I was just spending money cause I could, and besides I keep eating like the fat whore I am and this means those dresses wont fit much longer anyway. Another tick in the pro suicide column, I can die skinny – that would be so much better than having to become fat again. I CANT become fat again. Essentially I think that answers any question I have left. But again then I remember that its my sons birthday next week. OH GOD the original date is SO CLOSE, if I can just hold out until then. But I don’t think I can, if I make it that far it will mean that I will already be fat and I will already have suffered through work. I just want to quit, I have already written my resignation, its sitting on my desk top waiting to be sent. I cant be there, I jst want to cry and there is no reason for that either – they have done nothing, but I just cant help it, I cant be there. There has got to be a way to escape it other than the obvious – until after his birthday.

This is too hard. Way to fucking hard.

God Theory

Depression sucks, being high is awesome. I’m the happiest I have been and yet I am ready to cease my life. I guess that I want to go out on a high. Does that make me sound depressed? LOL

I feel better than I have in forever, I am so complete and fulfilled and to the amusement of anyone who has ever known me, I think I found God! OK, rather I have summarised my interpretation of the meaning of the word ‘god’ and how ‘god’ fits into the creation/ development of our perceived world.

I watched a movie today called Lucy. Very long story very short, u know how humans only use 10% of their brain? Well this lucy chick ends up using 100%. The movie speculates what would happen if we had this ability. (*Spoiler alert*)When she reached the 100% she disappeared and essentially became everything or as we humans would view it, a god like entity.

Anywho, I was thinking about it after and came to the conclusion that using 100% of brain function is you become so in touch with your structure and the environmental structure at a cellular level that you become one with all matter which is equivalent to ceasing to exist. So therefor you are unable to use 100% of your brain potential until you are using none at all. Death is equivalent to complete life, in the way that all colours are white. This is probably where the perception of a god like after life state or going to be with god when you die originated from. If you think about it, the fact is that we are all simply energy particles forming and changing shapes.  Perception truly is the only reality, we perceive energy particles around us to form in a predictive manner, what ever causes these particles to connect together to create and duplicate cells until they form a ‘physical’ being surely potentially causes a energy image or shadow style effect of the previously existing cellular structure that is left behind once these cells die and go back into the energy pool. It would therefor be plausible that people who are more sensitive to changes in energy levels around them to pick up on these ‘energy shadows’ and perceive them in the shape they once held as a physical being thus giving rise to the theory of ghosts.

If purely energy based, these apparitions would not have any intentional function to visualise such as walking or spontaneous movement, they would merely behave in a replicate manner  or photographic style model of the physical form they had been previously connected to, for this purpose the existence of a ‘soul’ for example would more likely be present in the replicated energy field than within the breaking down cells from the physical form.

Depending of the energy frequency the human perceiver is tuned into, these ‘spirits’ for want of a better term may be able to communicate although this would only really be possible using implanted imagery or word based thoughts transmitted via energy particles. Actual ‘speech’ as we know it would not be possible for the same obvious reasons that tree frogs don’t verbally communicate the same way dogs, cats or even ppl do – the ‘speech’ or method of communication using sound relies on physical structure through a collection of cells. The sub atomic structure that goes into creating just one physical cell is nearly infinite and can only be increased via duplication. Always continuous equal parts, always in pairs – DNA, Reproduction as a general – to create the existence of any cell based object it must involve a level of duplication. This process is not (by sheer natural design) supposed to be reversed. The splitting of an atom, creates an explosion – this almost proves the big bang theory in one simple step, we reversed the natural process and created an explosion, thus an explosion would have created an atom in the first place, atoms must be duplicated in order to form anything else. – What would be interesting is to know exactly what substance was released in the explosion of the atom splitting as that substance is essentially what creates life as we know it, that substance IS energy, the molecular everything or “god” not in the man with a beard way, but in the true scientific sense of the word.

We can never harness that substance as it is God, there for it is everything. Halving one atom creates “God” energy. Halve the “God energy” and we would cease to exist, one can only imagine what comes before that – unfortunately our 10% brain capacity doesn’t quite stretch that far… 

As far as the alien debate is concerned, I think the forming of physical structure in such a predictable manner (ie humans are one form, cats are another) is probably magnetically based, when we look for life on other planets we need to pay particular attention to places that have a magnetic core like earth rather than focusing so much on oxygen and water. Our physical structures have evolved like that due to their environment however if another planet had a life, it would be plausibile that it is the magnetic structure of the planet that governs the way atomic particles cluster together, creating a unique environment which in turn would see life forms model physical designs based on their individual environment ie lungs might not be required at all but cells may form from gasses absorbed through the bottom of a foot or hoof or talon. 

What ppl need to remember is that HOW and WHY don’t always matter. Just because we have the ability to ask these questions doesn’t always mean it is necessary, or ideal to do so. Sometimes simply being present in the moment and knowing what IS and observing what CAN be will be a far more powerful and liberating thought process that dwelling on the things we have no control over.

As previously stated perception is reality and therefor reality is perception, we can choose our perceptions and how we react to them. Your life is your choice, take today to take charge.

THAT is the true reality.

A reflection on how mental illness has affected my life

The brush has claimed yet another clump of my rapidly thinning hair, I pull it from the knobbely pins and drop it in the waste basket. Taking a deep breath I look down over my skeletal frame briefly acknowledging the place where my breasts used to be. My skin has become a dry slightly greyish colour and the dark circles under my eyes could make people begin to question my husband’s integrity.

The sad thing is while I endure the day in day out nausea and dizzy spells caused by this war I am fighting, it is inevitably a losing battle. This battle is not against cancer as an outsider looking in may imagine at first glance, no, this is a war against myself and one entirely of my own making.

Suicide is a funny thing, usually a quick solution to a painful situation that feels inescapable, in my case it is a long slow drawn out process, but one that can no longer be stopped, and one I have no will to stop. I have anorexia nervosa and bipolar disorder, I am putting a psychologists children through the finest collage and keeping the pharmaceutical industry running.

Whatever motives I had when this journey first began, back when I still had a choice in the matter, have long since been replaced by a compulsion, the simple terrifying phobia I have developed about gaining weight.

My relationship with food and weight loss isn’t because I want to look like some super star in a magazine or attract a man, it never was. This began as a teenager when I was bullied for being overweight and decided to do something about it, lose weight or kill myself. When I did manage to lose weight the thought of ever going back to that dark place was so terrifying that gaining even a gram was unacceptable, in fact I needed to keep losing a few, just in case… Of course that spiralled out of control quickly and soon I was in the grips of Anorexia.

Lots of things happened after that, long story short I moved out of home at 16 and met the love of my life, that relationship saved me in so many ways, I slowly stopped caring about my weight, I was truly happy, one thing led to another and at 17 I was expecting my first child. That pregnancy forced me to give up my vegetarianism due to anemia and that let me cut my final tie with the weight obsession that had owned me for so long.

Over the years 3 more children followed, my weight issues came back from time to time but only in a mild manner, I was able to acknowledge that I didn’t want to go back to that place and chose to eat in a more health conscious manner to avoid excessive weight gain.

Although my weight issues weren’t taking over my life I was still waging war on myself, I had always been at the mercy of my moods, I was generally fairly content and had no reason to complain at all however I would go through months of severe suicidal depression which I tried very hard to hide from the outside world, I had the perfect life after all I shouldn’t be unhappy, it was WRONG to feel that way. In stark contrast to these bleak times I would sometimes find myself so increadibly happy and grateful for the things that I had, my spiritual oneness with nature would bloom and blossom, I would make it my mission to inspire those around me, I would join groups and committees and come up with hundreds of brilliant and grand ideas that I would stay up all night filling notebooks with lists and lists of the things I would do and achieve, telling anybody that would listed all about them.

I went through different phases and tended to spend too much money for our meagre budget on these things, like the time I spent $2000 on Christmas lights after seeing a house all lit up on TV and deciding that I could DEFINITELY win that competition the following Christmas. The time I joined AMWAY which my family and friends have kindly never spoken of again, or that time when I decided that I was going to immerse myself in learning how to cook – a task I have always loathed – so I looked up and saved hundreds of recipes off the internet, I went and bought a stack of expensive pots and pans and cook books and made spreadsheets and lists of menu ideas putting them in catagories. This phase, like all the others ended when eventually I would burn out from trying to do absolutely everything on my list at once and plunge into another deep depression as I was a failure who couldn’t do anything right and generally rather broke given the unwarranted spending on my latest failed venture.

Fast forward several years of similar scenarios and I finally cracked it totally, I went through one of my energetic excited learning phases when I got a new job, this started out great as my bosses loved my enthusiasm and drive and the fact that I was inspiring others too, I won a stack of office awards and life was peachy, then the depression hit again this time was different though, I was still energetic and felt electricity running through me but simultaneously wanted to die. I won another award and hated myself for getting it, I knew I didn’t deserve it, the other staff were whispering about me behind my back and how I was the teacher’s pet. ( A few childish types really were)

 I didn’t trust anyone, they were all against me. I started getting really forgetful, I couldn’t control my thoughts their fast pace I usually used to my learning advantage had gotten out of control, I would sit staring at my work not having a clue what I was doing, I was struggling to remember my name. In order to concentrate even a little bit I had to put headphones on with fast paced dance music, this seemed to occupy the part of my mind that was running away from me and let the other part get a little bit of work done.

Every lunch time I would go for a fast walk to get the energy out and try and hopefully lose a bit more weight while I was at it– I couldn’t control my thoughts but I could control my eating. I didn’t want to sit with my colleagues, they would notice I wasn’t eating and whisper about me even more. I would walk up the little hill and work out the best place to go to die, should I run down to the highway and jump in front of a truck? If I popped out just past the bridge they wouldn’t see me so definitely wouldn’t have time to stop, I didn’t want to fuck it up and end up quadriplegic or something.

Just as Christmas approached it got too much, I thought my head was going to completely explode, I was fairly aware I was going crazy and trying desperately to hide it. I had to go to my in-laws for a big family Christmas do on Christmas eve and I was terrified, I could barely construct a sentence, they would surely know something was up, they couldn’t know, they could never know. The only solution I could come up with was killing myself before Christmas eve.

In a brief moment of clarity I thought perhaps I should see my Dr, so I rang to make an appointment but she was away. I then asked a friend if I could have the number of a psychologist she was seeing, she wasn’t available until after Christmas. So fete had spoken, suicide it was.

I dreamed up several different ways of performing the act which were all dependent on circumstance, I guess I knew I was nuts because I had a paranoid fear of people trying to lock me up in the psych ward and most of my suicide plans involved escape scenarios and fast acting suicide for that exact situation.

My favourite scenario at the time was to do 180km into a particular tree I had picked out. I was doing a lot of high speed driving, the 100km speed limit of my daily journey to work and back felt like snail’s pace to my racing mind and so I tended to float around the 140 mark and on a quiet stretch where the police don’t hang around I tended to do 160 to 180km p/h I had a personal goal to hit the 200km but I kept running out of road.

I had decided that 180km into the tree should be enough to kill me, retrospectively 100km was probably enough but it felt so slow at the time that I remember thinking I would be lucky to sprain an ankle at that low speed.

The trouble with Christmas time, is that our family has A LOT of birthdays in December, so trying to pick the optimum day to kill yourself that wont make the death anniversary on or too close to a birthday proves very difficult. I felt bad for the kids and thought that if I knocked myself off before Christmas it would screw up Christmas for them as someone would have to arrange a funeral and insurance etc so ppl might forget to give them their presents.

So I decided I needed to wait until after Christmas and try my very very hardest to get through the holiday period without giving away my position.

This post is becoming very long and drawn out, but after one failed suicide attempt I did make it through Christmas, My birthday, New Years and just barely my sons birthday in Jan – which there is a post somewhere on here about, the rest is pretty much documented below.

revival and resistance

Well I haven’t blogged for so long I have almost forgotten how to do it. So much has happened, so much has changed yet nothing at all is really different. I don’t know where to start, my life has done a full circle repeatedly over the last 18 months and yet I’m loathed to be back to the beginning again, phases – Always phases, I really should be used to it by now, a high wouldn’t go astray either.

I guess this is just another one of those rapid cycles. I can’t keep it up much longer, my pseudo life is starting to collapse – ironically it’s not the blogging one I think of as false, but the real one where I try and hide all of my sins and dirty secrets…

Speaking of secrets, forgive me bloggerverse for I have sinned.

 I stopped taking my meds cold turkey and lied about it.

I went to the shrink on a bit of a high ages ago now and promptly forgot everything she told me within 48hrs. It occurred to me just now that I have not filled in a single day of the mood chart that I forgot she gave me and my moods have been all over the place for a little while now too so I really should have filled it in, but I can’t even work out how long ago I should have started because my memory tends to fuck up when my mind goes…

 I also can’t remember when my next appointment with her is and I’ve miss placed the appointment card I was given. I would ring up and ask but her name escapes me as well and I really don’t care enough to bother trying. I wonder if I shouldn’t have taken myself off the meds after all, however the side effects are no longer something I am able to cope with and I have been off them too long to go back on them anyway. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Not much point going to the shrink really anyway if I’m not going to take what she prescribes. It becomes an expensive and pointless visit. I do kind of miss seeing The Guru though, I call her my ‘rent a friend’ to her face and she laughs. She is a great wall to vent to with a few zen contributions where it counts. Unfortunately money issues and school holidays make it impossible to go to see her at the moment though – besides I would probably just end up dobbing myself in about the meds and I think she has to tattle tale on me in to the GP/P doc and that simply doesn’t work for me.

 Tomorrow marks day one of the end project. I am committed to this now. Temptations are inexcusable and willpower is the only answer. This is what needs to happen and I am the only one who can make it happen. This is the one chance I have to get something right and I will bloody succeed.

Meds and Mania

I have been taking my medication for 9 days now, the first 7 I experienced no change, still caught up in the whirlwind glow of my most recent hypomanic enthusiasm that left me aware of my inability to work but completely un phased by it. On day 8 however, something changed. I woke up, which was pretty special in itself as it meant I had actually slept the night before. This should really have been a good thing, but instead I had risen irritable and tired with my mind still racing but my body feeling as slow as a snail.

The children bore the brunt of my angry outbursts for the morning and I shipped them off to school only to come home and sink into the pit of depression. The knowledge of some of the goings on in my most recent hypomanic phase were slowly sinking in, the fact that I had gambled, drunk and OD’d myself for no decent reason, spontaneous road trips at 200km/ph all alone while spending to the tune of $1000 we don’t have spare, on junk I didn’t need and then feeling that turning up to work while hallucinating was perfectly reasonable had very nearly cost me my job, and had most certainly cost me my integrity.

Yes, the aftermath wasn’t pretty.

I find now days that there is a very fine line between, ‘I’m not feeling happy’ and ‘I must die’. In the old days, I would slowly get more and more depressed until the only way out that seemed reasonable was the permanent one. Now the dive to rock bottom is almost instantaneous.

My mood remained unchanged for the rest of the day and I was due to see the GP that evening. The journey to the medical centre was wholly uninspiring, I didn’t feel she could help me anymore so why bother going at all? Every tree was looking like a more attractive target proposition and by the time I arrived I think I only went into the building because my body was acting on autopilot.

 I had to wait 45 or so minutes as she was running behind. The last 43 of those minutes were spent hatching an escape plan, I shouldn’t have gone in and wanted to leave, I wanted to die right then and there yet my body felt frozen to the seat. What would I do, where would I go? I decided to amend and enact the emergency OD plan I had concocted and prepared for previously.

I would get up and walk out the next time the secretary left the waiting area and run up near the train tracks where I would hide in the ditch as I would not be easily seen there in case followed and take my concoction before falling blissfully asleep never having to deal with this awful feeling again.

While I was waiting for the receptionist to leave I had the sudden realisation that there was one massive flaw in my plan, I didn’t have a water bottle with me. How was I going to swallow a few hundred pills without water? FUCK. It was an evening appointment and the local store was shut and the waiting room unfortunately didn’t have a water cooler. I was still trying to work out a way around this ridiculous blip when the doctor appeared and summonsed me in.

 I was so angry with myself for not having a drink with me that I could barely talk, I didn’t really need to – she sensed my tide had turned a 180 since my last visit and did most of the talking for me. I neglected to mention how her lack of putting a water cooler in her waiting room had probably saved her a late night visit from a policeman and begrudgingly took a card for the mental health crisis team from her as she was going to be away for two weeks, I was instructed to call ‘just in case I felt un safe’.

A useless proposition really as I would never call, because when I feel that way I DON’T WANT HELP and when I do want help, I DON’T FEEL THAT WAY. Catch 22. I also hate the term un safe, I know perfectly well what is meant by it but frankly when I’m suicidal I feel perfectly safe, because I want to be that way Thank. You. Very. Much. I feel like I actually have an ounce of control for once.

 I’m certainly not afraid to die, there is no “oh no, help me, I don’t want to kill myself”. I cant really imagine that people who are actually want to die anyway, surely they are just crying for help. No, I am quite at peace with the concept of death generally and am utterly desperate for it when in such a mood, however irrational my motives at the time may seem to be later on.

I have just as yet been unable to get my shit together in the moment and the moments are relatively fleeting so I am distracted or interrupted and plan and prepare to do better job of it next time.

Yes the “mental health crisis team” card is about as useful as the “suicide prevention plan”. I think they just give them out to make the GP/Psychologist feel better, or at least reduce their risk of being sued by a disgruntled family member later.

 

A Somewhat Innappropriate Article

Forgive me if this is inappropriate but I am kinda manic right now and so I am going to post it anyway!

*Extra Trigger Warning*

This is hands down best anti suicide article ever written and it’s hilarious to boot. If it doesn’t change your plans at least you get to laugh once more before you go!

http://www.cracked.com/article_15658_the-ten-minute-suicide-guide.html

And yes, I do stupid shit like google suicide, even when I’m high as a kite and not feeling remotely suicidal. I do however challenge myself to re-read this article next time I am about to end it all, I have a feeling it might just be enough to stop me…

3am

I glanced up at the clock on the wall, 1:30 – not so bad, I thought to myself, should probably try and go to sleep again soon though, big day tomorrow. Then I looked at the clock a bit closer and realised that it had fallen silent, no longer making its methodical tock that familiarises me so often with the wee hours of the morning. My clock had, in fact, stopped hours earlier, it was actually 3am. Shit. I had done it again, I just have no desire to sleep, there is research to do, stories to write, things to plan and photos to reminisce about. Over 80 hours awake and I still can’t be tired.

I wonder, at times like this, how long it will be before something gives as it invariably will, and I simply crash. Either to an 8hr slumber waking with as much exuberance as I had going in or falling instead into a deep and lasting depression that will crush my soul and threaten my existence.

Rapid cycling is taking its toll, my body starting to crumble but my mind wants to run free – I’m not happy anymore, but I’m not sad either. I just am. Here, now, in the moment. 3am zombie with a back beat of dance music whirling on repeat in my busy little headspace. I should go to bed, lie down rest my legs if nothing else.

I keep checking my email to see if there is a reply from the Guru, which is logically ridiculous, its 3am she’s in bed sleeping, like a sane person. I feel like a kid checking the mail for the 4^th time in the wee hours of a Sunday morning hoping for a card or a letter. There’s no post on weekends, she knows this, but let’s take a peek again, just in case.

Tomorrow is already here, and it will come again with or without sleep. The rooster will awaken in an hour, a 4am call that I always feel must inadvertently alert the foxes to the flocks presence, a move that has probably proven deadly to many an unsuspecting hen over time.

 

Goodnight 3am,
Our chronic friendship really must end.
Flying high on whispers and whims, nothing good comes from hearing your siren hymns,
I can’t stay another day awake, fighting for my freedom and running straight.

The voice it calls my name through the wind, it lures me closer, absolves my sins.
So much to do, so little time, so much music has captured my mind,
In my dreams my songs will fly, but so many more were left behind to die.

The rooster cries and dark becomes light. Let the final dawn end, the final night.
Goodnight 3am.

 

On Hallucinations (and not having them)

 

"So Bel, have you had hallucinations?" "No Dr, I have never had them, except one time when I was a kid and had a bad fever...."

She said.

So turns out I may have been wrong about that after all- I have done some reading after stumbling upon something in a you tube clip and apparently standard hallucinations are a little less severe than I thought they were…. I watched a beautiful mind once upon a time so there for I sort of assumed that when ppl said they have hallucinations they were seeing complete people / objects etc talking and walking like the furniture in beauty and the beast….

According to the literature hallucinations can be shadows and dream like imaginings crossing into reality while awake type stuff – erm, I do actually get that. And I get it quite a lot... Usually when I’m fairly hypomanic. It’s particularly bad (and a pain in the neck) when I’m driving as I keep thinking that the shadowy things are are Kangaroos etc beside me about to dart out in front of the car, (let me add that that’s quite realistic where I live) it can be a bit of a problem really because I tend to drive a little over the recommended speed when high so swerving imaginary wildlife isn’t practical.

Now while I was aware these little migraine-like flashes /shadowy things weren’t real I assumed that it was either A speeding related phenomenon or my eyes were just playing up because my body was tireder than my mind (I also tend to not sleep for several days when ‘up’) and had considered seeing an optometrist in case I needed glasses for driving.

As for the dream like imaginings kinda like a little scene playing out in my peripheral usually with mild audio should I care to listen – which I don’t –  you know when you first wake up in the morning and someone is talking to you but your still kinda dreaming? Yeah that. Thankfully this is less common and generally more annoying than anything else, unless I’m mega hypo and then they blur into reality a little too much and it can be hard to judge wtf is real or not. Now I’m wondering if these are actually visual hallucinations…??? God I hope not, that’s weird. I have had a few experiences which may have been hallucinations where I have seen cars plain as day and then they have miraculously disappeared into nowhere and I hate to admit that on one occasion driving to work while reasonably hypomanic I saw two such ‘ghost cars’.

 The first car looked like an unmarked police car (commodore, thick antenna… Aussies you all know what I mean) and I was mildly paranoid that it was tailing me as someone may have dobbed me in for my rather persistent and reckless speeding along that stretch of road, and by mildly I mean thought crossed my mind stayed there for a while and resulted in my working out a getaway plan… then the car disappeared into nothing on a country road with nowhere to turn off.

This experience freaked me out a bit and then closer to town there was a marked cop car doing a speed check on the other side of a straight stretch of road – as I passed I saw it pull out in my rear view mirror and pull a u turn behind me, I was thinking “shit I’m sure I’m not speeding”, looked at the speedo (not speeding) looked in the mirror again and the car had vanished – again nowhere to turn off. That freaked me out a fair bit as I thought that’s two things that I thought I saw, how much of what I am seeing now is real and how much isn’t? It all looks real, but then so did the cop car…

Ok. That sounds WAY crazier when I write it down. Hmm. BUT in my defence when the car ‘vanished’ I was aware that I must have imagined it (so that makes it NOT a delusion. Right?)  In the end due to *hallucinational content I put it down to some sort of subconscious guilt about speeding.

So, I guess there appear to be a few things about me I thought were totally normal/ marginally quirky that don’t actually happen to everyone else and I’m finding it a wee bit disconcerting and am very glad I didn’t TELL anyone about it.

*MS Word claims “hallucinational” isn’t a word, but I think it should be, particularly in this context, it just works.

Anxiety?

 

I don’t know anymore, don’t know how I feel, think I’m possibly sobering up from my latest high, starting to be normal, maybe? Hopefully?

I think I have forgotten what normal feels like, I know I forgot how boring it is to be at home all day, forgot how it feels to have children, forgot to call my friends.

Everyone is asking how I am, haven’t seen me in ages apparently, somehow through the last several months I have managed to avoid everyone, mostly and then in the last two weeks I have seen everyone, its weird. A lot has changed for me in the last half a year, I am still the same person on the outside, but inside I have changed, intensified, too much realisation in a short time is starting to take it’s toll.

I’m actively socialising but it’s different, I don’t know why. I have always been and liked being a social butterfly, the ‘life of the party’ chatterbox, can be relied upon to talk too much too loud and regret things later. Generally this is cause I socialise when I’m hypomanic and hide when I’m depressed but now shit is changing.

I have been rapid cycling so fast for the last three months that now I have held the same emotion for a few weeks I don’t quite know what to make of it, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, expecting the fall but it hasn’t happened, I’m not depressed at all. Maybe, just maybe the meds are starting to work?

 I’m still hypo but calmer, clearer of head, but I still want to avoid people, the thought of socialising is freaking me out, part of me is like YES LETS GO, LETS DO EVERYTHING! And the other part is like, oh my god I hate people. I think I’m kind of scared to make plans in case I get too high and embarrass myself or the shoe does drop and depression swallows me up. I haven’t been to work in ages, and the only ppl that know this are TBH, one friend and work. I have been hiding supposed to be at home “resting” but instead I go gallivanting across the country side, shopping.

 I go back to work on Friday and I don’t know what’s going to happen or how to explain my absence to my colleagues. There will be questions that demand answers and I haven’t got them.

 I wonder if this is anxiety? – this is pretty new to me, except for in totally whacked out and entirely reasonable situations or occasionally during intense psychotic manic paranoia…

This, however, is like a generalised social phobia, I’m nervous all the time despite being generally euphorically high when on my own, as soon as someone else enters the picture I start shaking and getting dizzy, check out chicks in woolworths, the road worker guy that yelled at me for speeding, I’m even nervous to see the school bus driver in the mornings, a meeting that merely consists of a ‘good morning’ and comment about the weather.

People keep asking me to do things, I can’t say no, I’ve never been any good at saying no, so of course I say yes, and then spend several hours writing to do/ how to lists relating to whatever I am supposed to do or organise but instead of the usual enthusiastic excited all be it slightly disjointed list writing I regularly participate in when hypo manic, it’s more of a shaky, trembley nervous compulsion, like I gotta do it now, GOTTA or, or I dunno I will forget or something bad will happen and I will fuck it up, I don’t know why but I GOTTA DO IT NOW.

Ugh, it’s an uncomfortable feeling and I don’t like it at all. It does make me a tad more productive than usual, as I have actually been checking items off my list and today I COMPLETED a list – which is big for me as I tend to run around in circles all day very busily getting distracted from one task by another until it’s time to pick up the kids from school and I have half started everything but completed absolutely nothing. Geeze it’s 3am again, that went fast! Last time I looked it was 1am, I’ve been writing non-stop for two hours, I wrote some songs, a rant, a letter I will never post and now this. I should stop writing, Im still not tired – guess I wont sleep again tonight, how unusual. Y doc said the new med Im on should help with sleep, and I think it has a little bit as there is a definite pattern of sleeping every 2^nd night emerging for me at the moment – much better and more sustainable than the 3,4 or 5 nights of no sleep- they generally end badly.  Might go play with you tube now.

Au revoir

Spilling secrets

I had a D&M with my best friend the other day, told her how I feel – for real. She has been chronically depressed for… well almost forever and I have never wanted to add to her burden by venting my own silly problems. It was actually really interesting to see how her suicidal ideation varies from mine, I guess having not spoken to anyone about it before or googling it or being another person I figured the way I thought about suicide was the way everyone with depression did. Turns out I was wrong. I’m apparently loopier.

 I don’t know why I have been telling people about this lately, maybe my subconscious wants help? If so it needs to sit down and shut up. I sort of regret saying anything now. I have always been strict with the ‘make it look like an accident’ thing as not to let anyone feel responsible in anyway.  Divulging my feelings will now put speculation on those plans forever even if I were to die in an actual accident and that bothers me a lot.

However in some respects I also feel that it is good if ppl know how I felt, that means I can write the individual letters I want to write and I can use the far more peaceful method of self-destruction that I have always wanted to use rather than the violent option I was going to be left with.

I googled how docs react to suicidal ideation and I need to be REALLY careful not to say too much about my plans or they can legally hospitalise me, although I have some contingency escape plans in place for that event if I am too worked up at the time it could go south. I want this on my own terms in my own time and although I will act quickly if I am forced to I would rather avoid the stigma that will leave behind for the others.

coming down

I hate myself sometimes, stupid shit you say when you are high that you know you will inadvertently regret when you come down again. The worst part about that is, while high, you are fully aware that you will have those regrets but you don’t give a fuck and do/say/write those things anyway. Ugh.

Yesterday we went 4wd ing with the Gypsy & The Replacement. It started off awesome, I had about 2 maybe 3 hrs sleep that night and was still tripping happy (so happy I bloody ate two chocolate bars for breakfast… but anyway…)

We went out into the mountains, up hills, down dales and I did my first ‘bush wee’ – I am aware that at my age and being a country gal from Australia it is a tad unusual to be a virgin bush wee-er, but I have some awesome holding power and it is something I have been too much of a snob to consider in the past!

So we were having a great old time, I even made a couple of videos (man my voice sounds so different to the way I hear it) and at this point we had headed roughly 2hrs into the middle of nowhere. I am known for getting motion sickness at the best of times and my head was still travelling WAY TOO FAST so of course the rockier the track got the slower the car was going. I think the wired brain combined with the bumpy windy slow turns is what fucked me over, I felt SO car sick, I couldn’t move, I just wanted to die – not in the usual suicidal manner to which I have become accustomed but in the more traditional “end the physical pain” kind of way.

We eventually made it back to civilization and I made TBH park at some random camping ground so that I could get out of the car. I just needed everything to STOP – The feeling was kind of like when you walk up an escalator that isn’t moving, it fucks with your vestibular system or something and makes everything related to movement impossible.

I eventually was coaxed back into the car by TBH as we were travelling in a convoy of 3 cars and had lost our companions who also had some of our kids with them. We eventually found them at a little waterhole area with a playground along the river where they had let the kids out for a swim – I sat on the bank watching them until I started feeling better (it turns out the best part of a pack of dorrito’s can do wonders for motion sickness).

While I did start feeling better physically, underneath the nausea I was still high as harry and so my thoughts were galloping my vision was slightly blurry and it was making me generally dizzy. We left the river, went back to the Gypsies place and headed out for dinner, I felt good again at this point and ate a shit tonn of chinese food, it was really nice and I was still feeling happy but I suddenly got hit by a sudden incapacitating tiredness, my eyes drooped and I felt like I had just thrown down 6 shots of straight whisky.

 The being awake for the best part of 5 days straight had finally hit me.

We left then and I refused to take the kids in my car, this clearly worried The Better Half and I had to quickly convince him that I wasn’t suicidal, I was fucking exhausted and didn’t want to risk hurting them if I passed out at the wheel. I just needed to SLEEP. Somehow I made it home, luckily the car is like an old horse and seems to know the way by itself. I crawled into bed and didn’t wake up until 7:30 this morning!

I woke feeling quite agitated, not happy high, not depressed just irritable and a bit fast. The water truck came and delivered some water (hasn’t rained in a really long time) and a lady down the road called asking if I can mind her kids. Every part of my brain was saying NO NO NO NO! so of course I said yes because I’m hopeless. My best friend is coming up today and I really didn’t need random extra kids. The Guru sent a text regarding contact within 24hrs if need to cancel an appointment to avoid a fee – for some reason this is upsetting me a bit, logically I know due to it’s word structure that it’s probably automated but I had only emailed with her yesterday about changing a time because I had stupidly forgotton that school holidays finish this week and the kids have to go back. She emailed back saying she wanted The Better Half to come so we can work out some sort of ‘plan b’ for my suicidal moods – something else dumb I did when high was agree to her talking to TBH and I told her that I was happy to act in “my best interests”.

The trouble with that was I was fucking off my nut happy when I said it and forgot that I actually feel down quite often and that means “my best interests” can result in my loss of freedom.

I really need to have that freedom. I won’t cope at all locked up in a psych ward somewhere based off someone else’s judgement of my temporary mood and the only way I can see getting out of that situation is a final and likely unpleasant one for those around me. I want to go out on my own terms, in my own time, not like that.

 Now I am just plain scared to say how I really feel in case they trip out and act on it. I can’t believe I put that in writing. Fuck this, maybe I am coming down again. That was a pretty big high, which traditionally means I’m in for a pretty big low. I’m still really tired, maybe simply getting more sleep will fix it.

I sent a message in reply to the cancellation text saying not to worry about this appointment, we can do it next week when we have a new time so I can sort it out properly with work, she still thinks I’m high so I don’t think that will backfire, but I really have to learn when to stop talking.

Late Night Manic Ramblings...

I did this thing once where you just had to write what you were thinking,

Like everything that came to mind at that moment and make a story out of it. It was pretty cool, you had like 5 minute time limit and then BAM you just wrote. I am thinking at the moment all the time. Like ALL THE TIME and thought , hey maybe – I should do that now, because then I can look back on it later and work out if I’m crazy or not, cause at the moment I kinda think that I might be but I dunno. I have that eat sleep rave repeat song whirling around in my head at the moment, I don’t think it’s helping cause I’m like thinking in tune to it. Weird man. Anyway I have this awesome set of coffee mugs, I got them in Kmart on special and they have owls on them, I love owls- but this one has a butterfly on it- and I’m drinking tea not coffee, so its ok to use the butterfly mug. I like tea, black no milk no sugar straight from the tea bag none of that fancy pants swirl it around in a metal sticky thing for me, just tea. I have to write this letter to the local minister about the project in our town and how it sucks and it’s a bad idea. He already thinks it sucks but he wants everyone to write in and say it anyway so he can show it to his big bosses as proof or something, even if you’re a minister it apparently doesn’t matter what you think there is always someone bigger with the money that pulls your puppet strings anyway. Have you ever noticed how the word puppet looks like puppy? Heh I can see like a little marionette Pomeranian dancing now. Eat sleep rave repeat. Its only like 1am right now, still really early but I’m probably  supposed to be sleeping, I wish I wasn’t eating though, that guilt is starting to creep up on me, I’ve been binging like a mother fucker for ages now, fucking ate like a whole tub of ice-cream today AND fucking a bowl of spaghetti bolognaise, god knows how many calories, too many FUCKING CALORIES, my thighs are MASSIVE and they are just growing, I weighed myself the other day fucking DEPRESSING I’m like 5kg heavier than last time. Fuck chocolate I keep fucking eating all the bad shit, I spend the whole day NOT eating anything only to stuff my fucking face at night, seriously it’s not that FUCKING hard to just go to bed and not get up and eat. Except it is cause I can’t sleep cause my brain is like a fucking goldfish on crack and all I do is think about shit that means shit and how fat I am and how really I COULD TAKE OVER THE FUCKING WORLD with my fucking awesome ideas – if I just could remember them long enough to write them the fuck down and act on them later. If I had a secretary or something following me around with a note book and some staff it would be great cause I could have my ideas and they could like, make them happen and we would be SO FUCKING SAVED from all the shit – The social services could save so much money if they had time to listen to some of the ideas me and other ppl get. But we don’t matter, cause we don’t earn much money and we are technically crazy but so was FUCKING BEETHOVEN – fuck you know what? Charlie Sheen probably has it right and he does have a fucking legendary save the world idea which works, and if they’d listen he’d have the money to pull it off too! It’s just going around TOO FAST  in his mind for him to articulate it properly – kinda like Pauline Hanson without the racism, some of her ideas were actually good but she SUCKED at describing them and then the media twisted it all up and out (like Charlie Sheen) and VOILA all of a sudden he’s a loop and she’s a racist – poor fuckers, we (misunderstood people like Charlie sheen, Pauline Hanson and all us bipolar types out there) just need a FILTER and a like slow down regulator, something that doesn’t make us dumb zombies like lithium but something that sorts our thoughts- hey that rhymes, I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it! and then it like, sends them out slow, so we think them fast and they come out so normal people can understand us. It’s like our own secret manic language but it ALL MAKES SENSE to us, what happens if you get two hypomanic people into a conversation together? I bet it would either be the best conversation ever or come to blows cause nobody can get a word in. BUT I reckon there would be a shit load of laughing – or fighting either way, would probably make for some sort of awesome reality TV show. I don’t have TV now but my friends say that everything is still REALITY TV everywhere you go, ha! Its been like 5 years, has everyone forgotten how to write? Are we all so damn ADD that in 5 years all we can keep up with is the fucking Kardashians? That show, is that still on? I haven’t even like seen it ever. God I say “like” a lot, even when I write, even when I think! Fuck how did that happen? I used to “like” laugh at people who said “like” all the time. LOL My big niece does it A LOT too. I wonder how much my baby niece will do it by the time she gets old, though it will be old by then so they will probably have a new word to replace it. I think it started as ‘um’ became ‘like’ and now kids are saying ‘hectic’ which I think means ‘cool’ ,FUCK ME it’s all so confusing. I think I just swear, “like fuck, um I dunno, whatever.”

Wow I could just ramble all night couldn’t I, maybe I will, there is nothing else to do at 1am- except clean stuff, but I’ve been doing that all week, time to change it up. FUCK I really REALLY want to go to the beach, see my calm blue ocean through my rose coloured glasses, I dunno why in particular, wanna hear the waves crash on the shore, hear the power of mother nature, makes me feel free. FREEDOM the mountains and the waves, that’s where I want my ashes scattered one day, through the mountains so they blow down to the sea and I can be free again, to fall down to the earth only to grow up into the trees. Imagine the beauty of being part of everything, nothing and everything at the same time, just little particles of energy floating, resting, being all and nothing, less and more opposite and equal oh total euphoria of sweet non/existence.

My tea has a milky layer on top where I didn’t rinse the cup out after I had coffee, milk in coffee, skim of course, no milk in tea, only black. Black coffee is good too, when I’ve eaten too much just too hot, have to be able to add hot water, like at work where they have the hot / cold instant thingo then it can be just perfect black. I kinda miss work, I want to go back but I’m scared to go back too, they are gunna wonder where I’ve been, they are going to ask questions. SIL wants to have lunch on Friday, that’s cool, she thinks the egg baby is ADD, she’s very busy apparently – glad she doesn’t know about me or she’d really be freaking out – no the 10 month old isn’t bipolar, just hyper fucking intelligent, like maybe I was put on this earth to create her so she can like save the world or something? Seriously, no 10 month old should be that advanced, though I guess she was like engineered in a way, as much as you can engineer a people that is. Who’d a thunk I could create something that smart? God I hope she isn’t like me though, not like this, always thinking, wishing, wondering, feeling, regretting, holding onto guilt and going fucking nuts. Don’t get me wrong it’s great when it’s great too like oh my god the PASSION, of EVERYTHING when its good it’s AMAZING, but when its bad its just so fucking devastatingly awful that none of it was EVER WORTH IT. Until it’s amazing again and you forget. FUCKING GOLDFISH ON CRACK, see, told ya! It really is the only way to describe me, forgetful as all fuck but swimming around in circles so fast I’m making a whirlpool out of my little bowl. I want to REMEMBER stuff, I wanted to be a doctor SO FUCKING BAD, I remember that doctor telling me that I could be a doctor if I believed it enough, I did and went home and fucking studied my ass off, I knew the names of all the bones and all the muscles and half the fucking diseases in the world, and I can’t remember a fucking one of them now, it’s like all in there somewhere, the whirlpool sucked it into the bright blue gravel at the bottom of the bowl and its buried between the algae and shit never to re emerge. Funny all that medical shit I studied and I wouldn’t have a bar of psychology, I think its cause I knew subconsciously I was a fruit loop and didn’t want to actually read it and know my subconscious was right, didn’t want to recognise myself in the pages. But I am fucking crazy cause it all comes around again in circles like a roundabout, its true times, 3 the rule of threes, like the craft with less magic. So many years I like changed the channel on TV if a program on anorexia or something came on, I didn’t want to see it, didn’t want to read about it in magazines either – if I didn’t see it I still had plausible deniability. WHY NOW ??? after all those years, like half my life of hiding, WHY NOW can I actually scream out loud that I’m fucked up? What changed? Did I just get so full of bottling shit up that it finally burst over the top, fizzing out like that can of hot Pepsi max that exploded in my car? Fuck, I really need to write that letter, I can’t believe how fucked up our town is, so much HATRED so much anger in one place, it was crazy, I’m fucking officially mental but I was like the SANEST most RATIONAL person at that meeting by far, wow. I really want to write that letter, or a letter to the editor of the paper maybe. I don’t know something, something has to be done before the town loses it. Maybe I should climb to the top of a windmill and sacrifice myself in the name of ending the bullshit??? LOL imagine it, fuck that would be funny, except id be dead and wouldn’t get to see the outcome, probably back fire anyway, they would find me first and hide the body where nobody would know about the stand I took, fight for the cause. Pah! They have too much money, easy enough to cover up! Though, I suppose if you wanna die, might as well make it for a cause or at least cover it up as being for a cause. Makes ppl think twice about doing bad stuff in the future. I don’t get suicide bombers though, no cause should ever include hurting someone else, if there was a god I’m sure as shit he/she/it wouldn’t want you destroying a whole stack of its creations in its name. well otherwise it’s an arsehole and doesn’t deserve your ridiculous devotion. Macklamore & ryan lewis, same love. Good song – really good song. Eminem, heard some of your new stuff the otherday, man you sound like me, fuck remind me of myself a little bit too much LOL! Suppose that’s how good lyracists work, they write stuff that appeals to / relates to heaps of different people so no matter what your goin through it will mean something to somebody. Hmm I need to go look some stuff up on you tube and write some angry letters, but I promise myself won’t hit send, that’s the rule of all rules, no hitting send after 11pm EVER.

Ciao now.

parents, birthdays and mania

Oh my fucking god.

I am so frustrated right now, my parents just came to visit and they are driving me bat shit crazy. I don’t know why it’s such a pain in the arse right now, they didn’t do anything specific, it’s just their nature and the way they deal with things, they have been the way they are forever so I should be used to it, but at the moment I just can’t see through that and let it go.

In a random fit of stupidity a few weeks back, I told my mother about the bipolar thing, at the time I was glad I did but upon reflection it was a dumb ass idea and I should have shut the fuck up about it. She keeps going on and on in her way about stuff and she is really quite stupid. I mean naive as all holy hell and really not very bright – the older I get the more I realise she has absolutely NO CLUE about anything. It really explains how I got away with so much as a kid. Not blind eyes being turned just plain naivety.

I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer myself but I am a damn sight more intelligent – both intellectually and emotionally than she will ever be and I have trouble accepting that when I need my mother to be there for me she is incapable of offering more than a “oh my pooooor dahhling” which although not intended as such is so FUCKING PATRONISING that it makes me want to slap her across the face repeatedly.

Auggggghhhhhhhhh!

It’s fucked up too cause yesterday ended up being AMAZING. Over the past week I had been so worked up about going to my MILS bday dinner that I was more than ready to jump off a cliff before contemplating actually going, but I actually managed to get 3 hrs sleep yesterday morning and woke up feeling – to quote flo rider “43million feet up in the sky full of diamonds”. So had an awesome morning took the better half to the doc for his repeat antibiotics, avoided seeing her myself ( I knew I was a tad hypomanic and didn’t want that taken away from me) by taking the brats to the shop and filling them with ice creams while we waited for him to finish.

Then went to the chemist to pick up the script where while I was waiting accidently bought some new $50 sunnies, a first aid kit for the car and some herbal sleeping tablets…. Oops.

So the day evolved euphorically and full of spontaneous iTunes purchases (80s fever, 101 songs YEAH!) took the kids to my wonderful friend The Gypsy to babysit while we went to the dinner. I was getting pretty damn high by this point and so fucking HAPPY- it had been so long since I had had a pleasant high that it was like a warm bath of relief swept over me. According to the better half apparently I was talking 100miles p hour and changing topics quite rapidly but I don’t think I was that bad really. We went to the shop to grab a present (long live my FAB organisational skills) and who do you think we ran into but the bloody GP! We just smiled a quick hello but then I got the giggles, felt like I was 14 again trying to cover up being stoned, though the better half had mentioned to her that I hadn’t slept in days as she had asked after me when he saw her that morning so she probably had already guessed how I was travelling. I didn’t care though and was actually totally unphased about the impending dinner, had to watch my speeds while driving (constant reminders from back seat driver TBH) as it’s a long weekend here and they have double demerit points – I suppose I do tend to be a little more lead footed than usual when I’m in that kind of mood…

The dinner was lovely, wonder baby was there and so I took her for a little walk outside to try and get her to sleep and also an effort to calm down – didn’t work so well for either party as she seemed as wired as me. All in all it was nice, good food, good company and I reckon I held myself together pretty well although TBH commented later that I was all over the place – eh, could have been a hell of a lot worse – good times like that make me glad I didn’t take out that tree the other day.

As I was a little chatty, I somehow ended up blurting out EVERYTHING about the last few weeks to TBH in the car on the way home, actually made him a little teary eyed which I feel bad about, but it was good to get it off my chest – And realistically I am aware that for the sake of my health I need to be open about this to him since I CAN trust him – and this way if The Guru feels the need to ring him it’s not all coming at him from left field.

We picked up the brats and stayed for a while there, met the Gypsy’s friend who was visiting from up north. The Gypsy always said this girl had replaced me when she moved and fuck was she right LOL! I instantly loved her, she’s kinda like my clone and seemed similarly as high as me and for that matter so did The Gypsy – although there were a few empty red wine bottles floating about the house...

We laughed in a way I haven’t laughed in such a long time and generally felt awesome. I drove home from there still not tired and we got home put the kids to sleep chatted a bit and I took some of my new herbal sleeping tablets because I was still not tired and knew that eventually something was going to crack if I don’t sleep. So fooled around a bit with TBH and listened to music for a bit then around 1am a miracle happened. I actually fell asleep and didn’t wake up until 7am!

I woke still high as a kite, really jittery though, kind of not the pleasant euphoria of the previous night – didn’t have that head clarity anymore. I went for a run down the back paddock which although my mind needed the speed my body was clearly too tired for and I just ended up dizzy with racing thoughts that were more paranoid than not. Hot shower cured the dizziness but not the irritation and I realised that The Parents were going to be arriving with my brother and SIL whom I haven’t seen in 18mths in just a few hours.

 I was kinda mean to the kids while I was trying to clean up – My mums a neat freak and I get the desire for it from her but the brats put a harness on my efforts and trash the joint in my wake which makes me supremely irritated.

House was acceptable but by the time they got there I was marginally calmer but still annoyed and stewing again over and over in my mind about the comments made the other day and of course my mother felt the need to bring it up again right after “hello” – I managed to deflect and change subject somehow but was internally boiling over -as per the beginning of this now unintentionally long winded post.  

Note to self: GET OVER IT!

So now its only 7:30pm and I’m really tired all of a sudden but the brain is still wired. Going 4wheel driving tomoz with The Gypsy and The Replacement so very much looking forward to that and knowing at least I can be however I am and don’t have to struggle to ‘act straight’ without fear of judgement!

 

Fuck the equator

Sometimes things go so hard and so fast that it feels like my head is literally going to spontaneously combust. Sometimes the lead up to that place has been good, great, awesome, in fact - and sometimes it’s been sad, awful and plain old unliveable.

There is a line somewhere between the place where the polar bears and penguins live, for arguments sake let’s call it the equator. Now you would think this imaginary line would spell some sort of balance, a nice calm warmth between two arctic storms, but instead this equator feels more like an invisible electric fence, stopping the polar bears and penguins from meeting to share their wisdom, the equator is a breaking point, a chasm filled with a feuding whirlwind of both TOO MUCH EVERYTHING and absolute nothingness. 

This is a hole I seem to fall into at the end of every up and the peak of every down and I somehow cope and claw my way back out again bruised and battered skating the outside edges for a while before suddenly being sucked back down the rabbit hole to either The Circle or better yet Santa’s place for yet another ride.

Rapid cycling is void of skating altogether, its fucking fast, fucking frequent and fucking frightening. Time in the chasm becomes simply unbearable clawing back to the top hoping this time you made it out, only to slip straight back down the bottom not knowing when or if it’s ever going to end.

The best way I think I can describe this chasm is like micro-sleeping while taking ice. Everything is hot and cold, you can’t breathe for the sensation of adrenaline in your veins, yet your heart beats so slowly you feel and hear each individual thud it makes.

The world around you seems to be revolving in dizzying flashes of matrix style slow motion, your eyes see every sight and ears hear every sound and yet you remember nothing. Each blink takes a year and when you are driving you feel you’re travelling slow as a snail but glance at the speedometer and you are actually doing 160km.

Sometimes you feel invincible and sometimes you’re just completely indifferent to death or consequence -which one of these generally depends on whether you were brought to that point by the polar bear or the penguin and either way you want to die. It’s an exhausting place to be and while you are in it you either want to stay there forever or end it at that exact moment which is funny really because while opposites in many ways those two things are exactly the same.

 

 

Zombie

God damn I’m a total fuck up. Today spent lying in bed like a paryletic zombie while TBH entertained our friends who had come for a pre planned visit. Passed off neatly as heat stroke, I am unable to admit that my hallucinogenic stupor was actually the cause of a self-induced drug overdose.

Baclofen, a muscle relaxant I take primarily for my hand issues ( stops my fingers cramping up in an unusable claw like manner) has a side effect. It makes people sleepy. Now as I only take a small dose of the stuff, I got used to it quickly and the sleepiness side effect hasn’t been an issue.

Yesterday I was in a state of I don’t give a fuck, and I was tired, cranky and my mind was racing too fast for any kind of sleep to take place, so instead of taking my usual night time baclofen dose, I decided to times it by 5, add a little codine, ibuprofen, Panadol and some extra valerian for good measure.  Approx 45 min later I achieved the desired result and fell asleep.

Sadly, when I woke this morning I was dizzy, nauseous and half blind in my right eye. Fuck. I was supposed to be getting up early to go into town and buy food for the bbq get together today, yet I couldn’t even sit up or talk properly let alone drive 45 min to town and shop. So I played the migrane with vertigo card and stayed in bed drifting in and out of consciousness with some killer hallucinations. At about 10am TBH suggested I have a shower to see if it would make me feel better, I agreed but standing in the shower proved next to impossible and I opted to pass out in bed again instead, I vaguely heard the sound of my friends arriving, TBH came to check on me off and on, suddenly it was 1pm and he asked me if I wanted food, moving my head made me want to hurl so I thought it was probably a bad idea to attempt food and just stayed in my little hallucination inspired world under the covers.

They all went off to do the ‘farm stuff’ my friend and I had been planning for weeks, I floated in a semi unconscious bubble wondering how long this was going to last and if I just swallow the rest of the baclofen jar to end the pain, unfortunately my bag containing the jar was out of arms reach and I couldn’t get up, so I suffered through.

About 6 ish I woke again as they got back and it was bloody hot, hit 40 degrees C apparently, I felt less dizzy so sat up on the couch for a little while, my mind was clear but I couldn’t focus on anything without feeling nauseous so had to keep my eyes closed. They left around 7:30 and I was feeling markedly better.

 Ate dinner, and went and watched a movie, which was a long one but a good one, now seriously awake and slightly stoned feeling, so thought I had better take my pills as I’d missed the morning ones (for obvious reasons). Seemed like a good idea to take an extra baclofen tablet, thought one should be right cause I have to see The Guru tomorrow morning and then be expected to turn up at work and this no sleep followed by drug overdose thing probably shouldn’t be followed with another ‘no sleep’ night. So I took that like 2 hours ago, its now just gone 1am and I just now feel nauseous again and marginally tired, the food is repeating on me too. I should probably stop writing and go to bed, hopefully the other baclofen was out of my system enough for this shit to clear it by morning. In retrospect I probably shouldn’t have taken two pills so soon after but too late now. Sigh.

Im so sick of being a fuck up, TBH is too patient, he would be so much better off not having to put up with my shit all the time, as would the kids. I really want to just die, it’s what I have wanted for such a long time. Really I should wag work tomorrow, drive to the coast and swallow that bottle, I made plans for lunch with a friend on Tuesday, then the kids have a zoo thing on the weekend they are really looking forward to.

Planning suicide is like planning a baby, there is never really an ideal time, but at some point you have to just do it or you never will. The very end of April is the perfect time from a calander perspective, no birthdays, no plans and may is clear. Perfect. Now if only I can actually wait that long…. Blurg, feel pukey, im going back to bed.

 

Pumpkin Hour

The last several days have been low ones, yesterday the worst ending in an ugly state of mixed irritated shaky suicidal depression.

I finally broke down in front of the better half. It was awful, letting him see me like that.

The hardest thing was the absolute support he gave me, his desperation to understand the way I was feeling and his obvious need to fix it. But sometimes we are so broken that we can’t be fixed, or at least that is how it feels. I just wanted him to run, save himself from me, a burden that will last a life time, the good times no longer worth the bad.

The best description of my emotional self I could offer him at that moment was to imagine someone had just given you a million dollars cash and was throwing it over your head like a TV game show when they suddenly pulled out a gun and shot your child in front of you. Some bitter and twisted combination of restless nervous excitement so blatantly destroyed by sheer terror and helplessness.

I have a lot of trouble being in that place, I can reason intellectually with myself that it will pass as it always has - and thankfully it usually does within a few hours – but emotionally I don’t feel it. In those moments I just need to die, I need to end the extreme intensity.

He held me close in his arms for a long, long time until I eventually drifted off to sleep, the firm hug felt… safe.

When I woke up this morning the need to die immediately had passed but the restless irritation had not. I was so damn shaky, like a junkie needing a fix. I couldn’t concentrate and I was still very depressed. I managed to load the kids into the car and take them to the school bus, they were all missing hats and I think one of them had yesterday’s shirt on, but they got there.

I knew at that point I probably wasn’t in the best state to go to work, but I didn’t know what else to do. I thought pretty hard about swallowing my pill collection and tried to figure out the best place to do it. I had heavy traffic into town and on auto pilot I ended up at work anyway.

 It’s all a bit hazy from there – I felt a bit like I was drifting in and out of a dream, I went in and started my work, I was feeling really dizzy at this point and kept losing touch with what I had thought about doing and what I had actually done. I was wondering if it was just because my blood sugar was low, I hadn’t really eaten much over the last few days. It dawned on me that being there was pointless and couldn’t remember if I had already asked to go home or not, I realised I was still sitting at my desk so I couldn’t have asked, this kept happening until I forced myself up to the team leaders and simply stated that I had to go home as I wasn’t feeling too well. The boss said I looked awful and to go, I must have looked pretty bad as I stumbled out of the office towards the car I was met with a lot of worried faces and ‘are you okay?’s.

I sat in the car for a bit trying to get my bearings and then started driving. I wasn’t sure where to go, I still desperately wanted to die but was too vague to properly act on it. I thought about driving to the beach, the coastline is only about 2 1/2 hours away, I could lie on the sand listen to the waves crash on the shore and take my final medicine. Lost in this thought, I nearly ran up the back of a cement mixer stopped at a red light and decided I probably shouldn’t drive very far as I could end up hurting someone else, so I decided to ring my BF, if she was home I could just go there and… I don’t know what… I didn’t really expect her to pick up the phone, but she did.

So I made it to her place, and we talked for a few hours until her other half got home, it helped immensely, we made plans for her to come to my place on Sunday and I was to go to the shops and buy food for a BBQ on my way home – she’s good like that. I was still quite shaky but not feeling feint anymore when I got to the shop. I decided to get a haircut on a whim in the hope that it would make me feel better (I was due for one anyway) and then I also bought a bag and some other crap I didn’t need. Nothing like spending a few hundred dollars you don’t have spare…

I headed home, arrived still shaky but a ton better than when I had left, the evening progressed and I started feeling quite ok again, not happy but not really depressed anymore, I hesitate to use the word “normal?”. I even ate some dinner and TBH and I watched some ‘once upon a time’ episodes. I snapped out of my funk suddenly and felt good, actually happy. I went and binged on chocolate mousse, that particular guilt hasn’t hit me yet and TBH fell asleep.

So it’s nearly midnight and here I type, pumpkin hour approaching, wide awake, quickening thoughts and slightly shaky again. Fuzz dog keeps jumping on my lap mashing the keyboard with his little paws and I wonder if sleep will come tonight.

I wish I knew what tomorrow would bring, I am so sick of this rapid roller coaster. I just need to get off somewhere, don’t particularly care if it’s at the top or the bottom, but at this moment I just want a month- hell, even a week -of some kind of stability.