Zombie

God damn I’m a total fuck up. Today spent lying in bed like a paryletic zombie while TBH entertained our friends who had come for a pre planned visit. Passed off neatly as heat stroke, I am unable to admit that my hallucinogenic stupor was actually the cause of a self-induced drug overdose.

Baclofen, a muscle relaxant I take primarily for my hand issues ( stops my fingers cramping up in an unusable claw like manner) has a side effect. It makes people sleepy. Now as I only take a small dose of the stuff, I got used to it quickly and the sleepiness side effect hasn’t been an issue.

Yesterday I was in a state of I don’t give a fuck, and I was tired, cranky and my mind was racing too fast for any kind of sleep to take place, so instead of taking my usual night time baclofen dose, I decided to times it by 5, add a little codine, ibuprofen, Panadol and some extra valerian for good measure.  Approx 45 min later I achieved the desired result and fell asleep.

Sadly, when I woke this morning I was dizzy, nauseous and half blind in my right eye. Fuck. I was supposed to be getting up early to go into town and buy food for the bbq get together today, yet I couldn’t even sit up or talk properly let alone drive 45 min to town and shop. So I played the migrane with vertigo card and stayed in bed drifting in and out of consciousness with some killer hallucinations. At about 10am TBH suggested I have a shower to see if it would make me feel better, I agreed but standing in the shower proved next to impossible and I opted to pass out in bed again instead, I vaguely heard the sound of my friends arriving, TBH came to check on me off and on, suddenly it was 1pm and he asked me if I wanted food, moving my head made me want to hurl so I thought it was probably a bad idea to attempt food and just stayed in my little hallucination inspired world under the covers.

They all went off to do the ‘farm stuff’ my friend and I had been planning for weeks, I floated in a semi unconscious bubble wondering how long this was going to last and if I just swallow the rest of the baclofen jar to end the pain, unfortunately my bag containing the jar was out of arms reach and I couldn’t get up, so I suffered through.

About 6 ish I woke again as they got back and it was bloody hot, hit 40 degrees C apparently, I felt less dizzy so sat up on the couch for a little while, my mind was clear but I couldn’t focus on anything without feeling nauseous so had to keep my eyes closed. They left around 7:30 and I was feeling markedly better.

 Ate dinner, and went and watched a movie, which was a long one but a good one, now seriously awake and slightly stoned feeling, so thought I had better take my pills as I’d missed the morning ones (for obvious reasons). Seemed like a good idea to take an extra baclofen tablet, thought one should be right cause I have to see The Guru tomorrow morning and then be expected to turn up at work and this no sleep followed by drug overdose thing probably shouldn’t be followed with another ‘no sleep’ night. So I took that like 2 hours ago, its now just gone 1am and I just now feel nauseous again and marginally tired, the food is repeating on me too. I should probably stop writing and go to bed, hopefully the other baclofen was out of my system enough for this shit to clear it by morning. In retrospect I probably shouldn’t have taken two pills so soon after but too late now. Sigh.

Im so sick of being a fuck up, TBH is too patient, he would be so much better off not having to put up with my shit all the time, as would the kids. I really want to just die, it’s what I have wanted for such a long time. Really I should wag work tomorrow, drive to the coast and swallow that bottle, I made plans for lunch with a friend on Tuesday, then the kids have a zoo thing on the weekend they are really looking forward to.

Planning suicide is like planning a baby, there is never really an ideal time, but at some point you have to just do it or you never will. The very end of April is the perfect time from a calander perspective, no birthdays, no plans and may is clear. Perfect. Now if only I can actually wait that long…. Blurg, feel pukey, im going back to bed.