I wish I was allergic to peanuts...

People comment about being worried that they are feeling suicidal, I guess maybe I have been suicidal for such a long time that I am completely used to it, that it is just who I am. Perhaps I want to want to live, but I don’t want to live, I want to be suicidal. All the time. When I am not feeling actively suicidal I am plotting and planning, enabling myself for the next time I am hit with the god awful energy depression must-die-now rush that comes with a mixed episode.

I had a fairly hypomanic day, I unfortunately bought a whole stack of useless crap and knik knacks, then I got home and started coming down a bit, as I was making dinner and remembered that I ate a litre of icecream this morning for breakfast which along with the glass of wine I used to wash down my morning meds was like a weeks worth of calories for me. I chucked a mega tantrum (poor hubby) and went to bed crying just wanting to die, of course I couldn’t sleep and my mind was going a bazillion miles per hour, so I ended up getting up to watch a movie with hubby, couldn’t sit still and then started binge eating. Again. L

We went to bed after the movie but I still couldn’t sleep, plotting all the ways I could escape and off myself should my Psychologist/GP/Shrink try and commit me. Then I decided to combat the binging I would write a menu plan, so I got up and over the last few hours I have been simultaneously looking at you tube videos, facebook, the news, pintrest, writing lists of stuff I want to sell on e-bay, writing a menu plan for next week and now typing this. I don’t quite know how the browser in my 4yr old laptop is coping at the moment! (Shout out to Toshiba)

Bloody rapid cycling, its doing my head in, have to see the GP tomorrow morning, don’t want to confess my actual thoughts, maybe I should. If I do get locked up there are SO MANY things that will come with that that are worse than death, not that I am frightened of death anyway – when I took that overdose I didn’t regret it, even a few days later when I was warned my liver could fail – I was still hoping it would, I was high as a kite, happy as larry and still completely fine with the thought of impending death.

 I wish I was allergic to peanuts, imagine how easy that would be? Tombstone could read "She died with a snickers in her hand..."

Can't take it anymore

Well that fucked up. I don’t know what the fuck I want right now, part of me is angry most of me is sad – suck at life, suck even more at death. I have EVERYTHING, the best life anyone could hope for so WHY don’t I want it? Why do I just want to dissolve away into nothingness?

Why when I ask that question does it not change my thoughts at all? I cant stop moving, thinking, I wanna run, I wanna scream and I want to curl up and go to sleep. My mood is varying between agitated as fuck and euphoric, I have been anxious all day because of ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING! I have nothing at all to be sad, angry or anxious about. I should be euphoric all the bloody time, I have everything that everyone could ever want. I dont know! I cant fucking handle it, Im so damn shakey I just want the whole thing to end, except I SUCK at suicide. I keep remembering and forgetting everything, EVERYTHING from why I walked into a room to that its my sons birthday next week so WHY WOULD I TAKE THOSE TABLETS THEN????? I sure as shit don’t want help for it.

Followed by fuck I keep waking up and the tablets havnt bloody worked, I will take more… Oh wait its my sons birthday next week, I FUCKING FORGOT AGAIN!!!
I guess im in a mixed state at the moment. Cant stop thinking, its like a runaway train – I cant think rationally – which brings me to my next point – if I KNOW I am not thinking rationally, then how do I know that they are actually wrong – I may not want to kill my self later, however if I go ahead with it I wont br able to regret it because I will be dead. So it wont matter.

I would love this fucking lithium to work, I would love this lithium to keep supressing my appetite. I would love this pressure neck head thing to stop – I don’t know if it is anxiety or the lithium causing it – only get it when taking Li but by the same token I am generally taking Lithium when I am rapid cycling/manically mixed state and by definition anxious.

God I just need it to stop, if if wake up tomorrow and this is still the same I don’t think I will be able to go to work. It just needs to stop – the fucked upedness is that this will NEVER TRULY GO AWAY. I cant live with myself knowing that my family, my perfect fucking family should be subjected to a crazy wife / mother / daughter. I cant EVER deal with the in laws finding out about this, which means I cant be truly honest with my Psych or GP because I know they would hospitalise me. Frankly I am aware that this is what I really need, but I cant be hospitalised because then the family would find out. NOBODY can find out. Its not ok for this to be me – I don’t care if other ppl have mental illness and I would jump up and advocate for them in a heart beat, but not me. That’s different.

If I end it they will never have to live with the shame, I wont have to live with the shame. I don't want to go to work tomorrow I don’t have the ability to cope with the pressure of the new training that I didn’t see. I bought new dresses to wear to work – this should mean I am subconsciously happy about going but I think I was just spending money cause I could, and besides I keep eating like the fat whore I am and this means those dresses wont fit much longer anyway. Another tick in the pro suicide column, I can die skinny – that would be so much better than having to become fat again. I CANT become fat again. Essentially I think that answers any question I have left. But again then I remember that its my sons birthday next week. OH GOD the original date is SO CLOSE, if I can just hold out until then. But I don’t think I can, if I make it that far it will mean that I will already be fat and I will already have suffered through work. I just want to quit, I have already written my resignation, its sitting on my desk top waiting to be sent. I cant be there, I jst want to cry and there is no reason for that either – they have done nothing, but I just cant help it, I cant be there. There has got to be a way to escape it other than the obvious – until after his birthday.

This is too hard. Way to fucking hard.

Que Sera

There isn’t much time now and I must get ready to say goodbye. In the end everything turned out exactly as it was always meant to.

By chance I was able to see or reconnect with almost everyone that I intended to and please know that this brought me great peace.

There is a playlist in my music folder marked ‘funeral’ it has the songs that I most related to and is in my preferential order.

I want to be cremated with all but a handful of my ashes scattered across the back paddock at the farm (the one near the back neighbours place at the area just before the trees start) facing west on the spring evening of a red sunset. (not that I’m picky or anything).

For the last handful of my ashes, take me to the top of my magic mountain near where I grew up on a warm breezy day and stand overlooking the mountains. Feel the wind on your face as you lean forwards and hold your arms back until it feels like you are soaring high across the valley below. There you must let the last of my spirit fly one final time. This is a sacred place to me and was the place where I first learned of the destiny of my soul.

Despite the challenges along the way, I wouldn’t change a single thing. The way a story ends is not always an accurate summary of the chapters lived between.

Thank you, all of you for such an amazing ride. Nobody could hope for a more fulfilling life with their soulmate, a wonderful family, great friends and the opportunity to understand and achieve their destiny.

Take care, remember que sera sera, cest la vie. Let peace be forever in your hearts and I will see you on the flip side!

xx

God Theory

Depression sucks, being high is awesome. I’m the happiest I have been and yet I am ready to cease my life. I guess that I want to go out on a high. Does that make me sound depressed? LOL

I feel better than I have in forever, I am so complete and fulfilled and to the amusement of anyone who has ever known me, I think I found God! OK, rather I have summarised my interpretation of the meaning of the word ‘god’ and how ‘god’ fits into the creation/ development of our perceived world.

I watched a movie today called Lucy. Very long story very short, u know how humans only use 10% of their brain? Well this lucy chick ends up using 100%. The movie speculates what would happen if we had this ability. (*Spoiler alert*)When she reached the 100% she disappeared and essentially became everything or as we humans would view it, a god like entity.

Anywho, I was thinking about it after and came to the conclusion that using 100% of brain function is you become so in touch with your structure and the environmental structure at a cellular level that you become one with all matter which is equivalent to ceasing to exist. So therefor you are unable to use 100% of your brain potential until you are using none at all. Death is equivalent to complete life, in the way that all colours are white. This is probably where the perception of a god like after life state or going to be with god when you die originated from. If you think about it, the fact is that we are all simply energy particles forming and changing shapes.  Perception truly is the only reality, we perceive energy particles around us to form in a predictive manner, what ever causes these particles to connect together to create and duplicate cells until they form a ‘physical’ being surely potentially causes a energy image or shadow style effect of the previously existing cellular structure that is left behind once these cells die and go back into the energy pool. It would therefor be plausible that people who are more sensitive to changes in energy levels around them to pick up on these ‘energy shadows’ and perceive them in the shape they once held as a physical being thus giving rise to the theory of ghosts.

If purely energy based, these apparitions would not have any intentional function to visualise such as walking or spontaneous movement, they would merely behave in a replicate manner  or photographic style model of the physical form they had been previously connected to, for this purpose the existence of a ‘soul’ for example would more likely be present in the replicated energy field than within the breaking down cells from the physical form.

Depending of the energy frequency the human perceiver is tuned into, these ‘spirits’ for want of a better term may be able to communicate although this would only really be possible using implanted imagery or word based thoughts transmitted via energy particles. Actual ‘speech’ as we know it would not be possible for the same obvious reasons that tree frogs don’t verbally communicate the same way dogs, cats or even ppl do – the ‘speech’ or method of communication using sound relies on physical structure through a collection of cells. The sub atomic structure that goes into creating just one physical cell is nearly infinite and can only be increased via duplication. Always continuous equal parts, always in pairs – DNA, Reproduction as a general – to create the existence of any cell based object it must involve a level of duplication. This process is not (by sheer natural design) supposed to be reversed. The splitting of an atom, creates an explosion – this almost proves the big bang theory in one simple step, we reversed the natural process and created an explosion, thus an explosion would have created an atom in the first place, atoms must be duplicated in order to form anything else. – What would be interesting is to know exactly what substance was released in the explosion of the atom splitting as that substance is essentially what creates life as we know it, that substance IS energy, the molecular everything or “god” not in the man with a beard way, but in the true scientific sense of the word.

We can never harness that substance as it is God, there for it is everything. Halving one atom creates “God” energy. Halve the “God energy” and we would cease to exist, one can only imagine what comes before that – unfortunately our 10% brain capacity doesn’t quite stretch that far… 

As far as the alien debate is concerned, I think the forming of physical structure in such a predictable manner (ie humans are one form, cats are another) is probably magnetically based, when we look for life on other planets we need to pay particular attention to places that have a magnetic core like earth rather than focusing so much on oxygen and water. Our physical structures have evolved like that due to their environment however if another planet had a life, it would be plausibile that it is the magnetic structure of the planet that governs the way atomic particles cluster together, creating a unique environment which in turn would see life forms model physical designs based on their individual environment ie lungs might not be required at all but cells may form from gasses absorbed through the bottom of a foot or hoof or talon. 

What ppl need to remember is that HOW and WHY don’t always matter. Just because we have the ability to ask these questions doesn’t always mean it is necessary, or ideal to do so. Sometimes simply being present in the moment and knowing what IS and observing what CAN be will be a far more powerful and liberating thought process that dwelling on the things we have no control over.

As previously stated perception is reality and therefor reality is perception, we can choose our perceptions and how we react to them. Your life is your choice, take today to take charge.

THAT is the true reality.

Clearly Blurred Lines

I don’t know what the fuck I want, I don’t know what I am thinking anymore or more often what I’m not thinking. I think I know something/ understand something/ want something and then five minutes later I do a total 180 on the subject. My memory is fucked, I am doing random shit like cleaning the car to within an inch of its life even though I am planning to crash the bloody thing anyway. I am trying on and buying dresses that are on SUPER special and SO nice while simultaneously throwing a cocktail of drugs down my throat with the intention of overdosing.

Asked the Guru for details of her sound system today via text (super awesome sound quality) I told her I want to get one for DH for fathers day. She commented that she was pleased to see I am planning for the future – I sent her the txt mostly cause I felt guilty for putting her in the spot I did yesterday. I shared enough that she could have and arguably should have put me in hospital, but I talked my way out of it – the text was kind of a silent “see Im still alive, like I promised”. The fathers day thing was just a good excuse to buy something expensive, lol. I do want one, yet its stupid because I just took a fatal overdose. Hey look subscription to H&G is reduced, and OOH it has free mixing bowls *clicks and orders*, hang on wait a min – why am I wasting money, I just took a fatal overdose…. Part of it might be I’m a touch manic so wanna have fun and spend money rather than actually thinking about the fact that I wont be alive in a week or less anyway!

I guess one good thing is the constant in all of this is even when I realise that I wont get to give DH that sound system, read that H&G mag or wear those dresses – I don’t mind, I have been resigned to the fact for so long now that its more a passing – hmm shame, could have worn that to A/B/C…

Augghh! I’m so messed up! Thank god I took the overdose I’m better off without me LOL.

A reflection on how mental illness has affected my life

The brush has claimed yet another clump of my rapidly thinning hair, I pull it from the knobbely pins and drop it in the waste basket. Taking a deep breath I look down over my skeletal frame briefly acknowledging the place where my breasts used to be. My skin has become a dry slightly greyish colour and the dark circles under my eyes could make people begin to question my husband’s integrity.

The sad thing is while I endure the day in day out nausea and dizzy spells caused by this war I am fighting, it is inevitably a losing battle. This battle is not against cancer as an outsider looking in may imagine at first glance, no, this is a war against myself and one entirely of my own making.

Suicide is a funny thing, usually a quick solution to a painful situation that feels inescapable, in my case it is a long slow drawn out process, but one that can no longer be stopped, and one I have no will to stop. I have anorexia nervosa and bipolar disorder, I am putting a psychologists children through the finest collage and keeping the pharmaceutical industry running.

Whatever motives I had when this journey first began, back when I still had a choice in the matter, have long since been replaced by a compulsion, the simple terrifying phobia I have developed about gaining weight.

My relationship with food and weight loss isn’t because I want to look like some super star in a magazine or attract a man, it never was. This began as a teenager when I was bullied for being overweight and decided to do something about it, lose weight or kill myself. When I did manage to lose weight the thought of ever going back to that dark place was so terrifying that gaining even a gram was unacceptable, in fact I needed to keep losing a few, just in case… Of course that spiralled out of control quickly and soon I was in the grips of Anorexia.

Lots of things happened after that, long story short I moved out of home at 16 and met the love of my life, that relationship saved me in so many ways, I slowly stopped caring about my weight, I was truly happy, one thing led to another and at 17 I was expecting my first child. That pregnancy forced me to give up my vegetarianism due to anemia and that let me cut my final tie with the weight obsession that had owned me for so long.

Over the years 3 more children followed, my weight issues came back from time to time but only in a mild manner, I was able to acknowledge that I didn’t want to go back to that place and chose to eat in a more health conscious manner to avoid excessive weight gain.

Although my weight issues weren’t taking over my life I was still waging war on myself, I had always been at the mercy of my moods, I was generally fairly content and had no reason to complain at all however I would go through months of severe suicidal depression which I tried very hard to hide from the outside world, I had the perfect life after all I shouldn’t be unhappy, it was WRONG to feel that way. In stark contrast to these bleak times I would sometimes find myself so increadibly happy and grateful for the things that I had, my spiritual oneness with nature would bloom and blossom, I would make it my mission to inspire those around me, I would join groups and committees and come up with hundreds of brilliant and grand ideas that I would stay up all night filling notebooks with lists and lists of the things I would do and achieve, telling anybody that would listed all about them.

I went through different phases and tended to spend too much money for our meagre budget on these things, like the time I spent $2000 on Christmas lights after seeing a house all lit up on TV and deciding that I could DEFINITELY win that competition the following Christmas. The time I joined AMWAY which my family and friends have kindly never spoken of again, or that time when I decided that I was going to immerse myself in learning how to cook – a task I have always loathed – so I looked up and saved hundreds of recipes off the internet, I went and bought a stack of expensive pots and pans and cook books and made spreadsheets and lists of menu ideas putting them in catagories. This phase, like all the others ended when eventually I would burn out from trying to do absolutely everything on my list at once and plunge into another deep depression as I was a failure who couldn’t do anything right and generally rather broke given the unwarranted spending on my latest failed venture.

Fast forward several years of similar scenarios and I finally cracked it totally, I went through one of my energetic excited learning phases when I got a new job, this started out great as my bosses loved my enthusiasm and drive and the fact that I was inspiring others too, I won a stack of office awards and life was peachy, then the depression hit again this time was different though, I was still energetic and felt electricity running through me but simultaneously wanted to die. I won another award and hated myself for getting it, I knew I didn’t deserve it, the other staff were whispering about me behind my back and how I was the teacher’s pet. ( A few childish types really were)

 I didn’t trust anyone, they were all against me. I started getting really forgetful, I couldn’t control my thoughts their fast pace I usually used to my learning advantage had gotten out of control, I would sit staring at my work not having a clue what I was doing, I was struggling to remember my name. In order to concentrate even a little bit I had to put headphones on with fast paced dance music, this seemed to occupy the part of my mind that was running away from me and let the other part get a little bit of work done.

Every lunch time I would go for a fast walk to get the energy out and try and hopefully lose a bit more weight while I was at it– I couldn’t control my thoughts but I could control my eating. I didn’t want to sit with my colleagues, they would notice I wasn’t eating and whisper about me even more. I would walk up the little hill and work out the best place to go to die, should I run down to the highway and jump in front of a truck? If I popped out just past the bridge they wouldn’t see me so definitely wouldn’t have time to stop, I didn’t want to fuck it up and end up quadriplegic or something.

Just as Christmas approached it got too much, I thought my head was going to completely explode, I was fairly aware I was going crazy and trying desperately to hide it. I had to go to my in-laws for a big family Christmas do on Christmas eve and I was terrified, I could barely construct a sentence, they would surely know something was up, they couldn’t know, they could never know. The only solution I could come up with was killing myself before Christmas eve.

In a brief moment of clarity I thought perhaps I should see my Dr, so I rang to make an appointment but she was away. I then asked a friend if I could have the number of a psychologist she was seeing, she wasn’t available until after Christmas. So fete had spoken, suicide it was.

I dreamed up several different ways of performing the act which were all dependent on circumstance, I guess I knew I was nuts because I had a paranoid fear of people trying to lock me up in the psych ward and most of my suicide plans involved escape scenarios and fast acting suicide for that exact situation.

My favourite scenario at the time was to do 180km into a particular tree I had picked out. I was doing a lot of high speed driving, the 100km speed limit of my daily journey to work and back felt like snail’s pace to my racing mind and so I tended to float around the 140 mark and on a quiet stretch where the police don’t hang around I tended to do 160 to 180km p/h I had a personal goal to hit the 200km but I kept running out of road.

I had decided that 180km into the tree should be enough to kill me, retrospectively 100km was probably enough but it felt so slow at the time that I remember thinking I would be lucky to sprain an ankle at that low speed.

The trouble with Christmas time, is that our family has A LOT of birthdays in December, so trying to pick the optimum day to kill yourself that wont make the death anniversary on or too close to a birthday proves very difficult. I felt bad for the kids and thought that if I knocked myself off before Christmas it would screw up Christmas for them as someone would have to arrange a funeral and insurance etc so ppl might forget to give them their presents.

So I decided I needed to wait until after Christmas and try my very very hardest to get through the holiday period without giving away my position.

This post is becoming very long and drawn out, but after one failed suicide attempt I did make it through Christmas, My birthday, New Years and just barely my sons birthday in Jan – which there is a post somewhere on here about, the rest is pretty much documented below.

Doubt, is it just the crazy talking?

Sometimes I doubt myself, I doubt the prophecy. Perhaps I really am just crazy and these beliefs I hold so close are nothing but the delusions of a mad women, lost in her sea of darkness and false sense of clarity.

I don’t want it to be that way. I need this to be real, I guess I am frightened of what will be if it isn’t, I am not prepared for that. I have spent so much time conditioning my mind for this that for it not to happen is simply unfathomable.

My best friend was frightened by me the other day. I hate that, it fills me with guilt. They stayed for the Easter weekend and I was getting a little hypo, not even very much, but enough to say more than I should – including telling her that I was off my meds, that was supposed to be a secret. After a conversation that admitted things I normally would save only for this blog she went off to bed and I decided the children HAD to have a easter egg hunt with riddle clues, so I stayed up to write that, and then I cleaned up, and then around 4am I thought the kids and adults for that matter should have a lovely fully cooked Easter breakfast so I set about baking fresh bread, hot cross buns, cooking scrambled eggs and pancakes…

 So while they loved the breakfast I was apparently getting a little too “fast” – I just wanted to get a whole heap done, there was washing up to do and I wanted the egg hunt to go perfectly so was trying -arguabley with limited success - to wrangle 7 children.

It turns out my friend hasn’t seen me like that before and she just happened to already be there otherwise she still wouldn’t have. I normally keep away from friends when I am in those moods, more than anything else because I am busy doing whatever. I certainly get a whole hell of a lot worse than that, didn’t even have crazy racing thoughts or anything but she was freaked out by it and actually went off on a walk wondering if she should do anything.

It may have been because I stopped taking my original meds, I was supposed to keep them up until I next see the pdoc but I was gaining WAY too much weight and I couldn’t take it anymore so I stopped them - and I might add, dropped 4kg in a week, must have been mostly fluid retention.

The meds must have been doing something though because although not even close to as severe as in the past, my moods have been becoming all over the place again, I was pretty steady there for a while, not hyper not even feeling depressed at all and starting to looking forward to some sort of imaginary future.

This reliance on meds makes me seriously question, what IS real?

The ‘me’ on some sort of pharmaceutical induced normal or the me that is ME, pure.  Sure I might be ‘depressed’ and ‘over the top,’ sometimes in one sentence, and yes I might have some ‘alternative’ beliefs about myself and my life that others don’t agree with or seem to understand.

But I have to ask, if I have to be drugged up to conform with everyone else in this mainstream society then isn’t that really the biggest self -delusion of them all?

I think my biggest problem is that I have a family and I need to be able to earn money. If I am going to work where I do I need to conform. I find myself wishing more often than ever that I could just run away and live in the hills, with nobody to answer to but myself. Helping others when I can and then moving on as I choose, nothing to force me to act like everyone else and free to fly from the roof tops or end my life if I choose to. Freedom.

revival and resistance

Well I haven’t blogged for so long I have almost forgotten how to do it. So much has happened, so much has changed yet nothing at all is really different. I don’t know where to start, my life has done a full circle repeatedly over the last 18 months and yet I’m loathed to be back to the beginning again, phases – Always phases, I really should be used to it by now, a high wouldn’t go astray either.

I guess this is just another one of those rapid cycles. I can’t keep it up much longer, my pseudo life is starting to collapse – ironically it’s not the blogging one I think of as false, but the real one where I try and hide all of my sins and dirty secrets…

Speaking of secrets, forgive me bloggerverse for I have sinned.

 I stopped taking my meds cold turkey and lied about it.

I went to the shrink on a bit of a high ages ago now and promptly forgot everything she told me within 48hrs. It occurred to me just now that I have not filled in a single day of the mood chart that I forgot she gave me and my moods have been all over the place for a little while now too so I really should have filled it in, but I can’t even work out how long ago I should have started because my memory tends to fuck up when my mind goes…

 I also can’t remember when my next appointment with her is and I’ve miss placed the appointment card I was given. I would ring up and ask but her name escapes me as well and I really don’t care enough to bother trying. I wonder if I shouldn’t have taken myself off the meds after all, however the side effects are no longer something I am able to cope with and I have been off them too long to go back on them anyway. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Not much point going to the shrink really anyway if I’m not going to take what she prescribes. It becomes an expensive and pointless visit. I do kind of miss seeing The Guru though, I call her my ‘rent a friend’ to her face and she laughs. She is a great wall to vent to with a few zen contributions where it counts. Unfortunately money issues and school holidays make it impossible to go to see her at the moment though – besides I would probably just end up dobbing myself in about the meds and I think she has to tattle tale on me in to the GP/P doc and that simply doesn’t work for me.

 Tomorrow marks day one of the end project. I am committed to this now. Temptations are inexcusable and willpower is the only answer. This is what needs to happen and I am the only one who can make it happen. This is the one chance I have to get something right and I will bloody succeed.

Betrayal

I don’t usually throw around sentences like “Breach of confidentiality”. This time I was hurt.

The Guru sent my GP a long letter, I don’t actually know what was in the letter exactly but I feel completely betrayed by it. I specifically did not sign the piece of paper allowing her to contact my doctor. I know I shouldn’t care and that she’s ‘trying to look out for me’ and all but frankly she can get fucked. All trust has gone, she should have told me first and she didn’t.

The letter thing was coupled with the fact that the GP suddenly seems to have forgotten which drug she has put me on and after a slightly frenzied discussion on my eating disorder which I hadn’t previously mentioned and must have been in the letter put me way out on the defensive she added that she was glad she put me on something or other starting with L as its not known to cause weight gain where the others do.

I got home and googled it thinking that it might be another name for the one I’m on and it fucking isn’t. It’s a totally different drug and now I’m guaranteed to be back to being a fat fucking whore in no time.

Also the one I am on is supposed to be monitored with blood work so they can make sure it’s not fucking up your liver. Lucky for her I want to die anyway so it fucking my liver would be great news, but other people don’t want to die and they should have the right not to be fucked around. So as general angry retaliation I have researched how many I need to overdose on so maybe that would be the best way to go down, that way she can feel a little bit fucking guilty and think in future before writing down the wrong thing.

I have been hungry as fuck and eating way more than I am comfortable with, my stomach is getting really really flubby and my thighs are so devastating I just want to cry when I see them. I might not be manic but feel far more out of control than I have in a really long time. I would much rather be manic. I am trying to make it to the end of the month as I’m supposed to be going to Melbourne with some friends for a girls weekend, haven’t seen them in a while and should leave them with some good memories I suppose but frankly I can’t be fucked and it doesn’t matter to me.

But at this rate I might not be able to last that long anyway, its prob better before to keep it away from bubba’s birthday after melb doesn’t leave much time, I am pretty much left with the 15^th.

Now I don’t even have a psych I can vent too, before seems like a much better option the more I think about it, I will have to still see her still and pretend I’m not seething at her betrayal and that these meds are making me all fucking better and I don’t need her as much anymore – make up some bull shit that I’m looking forward to so she doesn’t twig something’s off before I get a chance to finalise this thing.

 I am so done with trust betrayal. I have REALLY gotta get some sort of control over my eating too, I can’t believe I could come so far and fuck it up like this and right at the end too. It’s like stopping just before the finish line. At this rate I won’t even fit in the bloody coffin.

Lure of the dance

In one past life I was a ballerina, I would dance to the song of some of the most famous opera singers of the time in large concert halls with orchestras and wooden ceilings that had been painstakingly nailed by hand piece by piece to ensure acoustical perfection.

We glided across the stage light as feathers, our feet flying in time to the symphony in an effortless trance as if guided by a magical spell. An enchanting lure of passion and dreams as if a marriage of music to the soul.

Eventually years of starvation to ensure perfect weightlessness gave way to damaged feet and broken bones. A career finished by 23, collapse of a soul and shattered ideals, the river called out its offering of eternal solace and once again I followed obediently.

Tell Me

Tell me to stand upon the mountain high, lean out and breathe in the air of freedom.

See the world around me, Taste the coolness of the air, Hear the sounds of life occurring.

Sing the music of my heart and Feel the essence of natures touch upon my body letting it seep back deep into the pours of my soul as I become one with the world again.

You must embrace the magic of the journey, be mindful and remember to dream.

But it’s time for me to say goodbye for now, time to fly away home.

xx

On Hallucinations (and not having them)

 

"So Bel, have you had hallucinations?" "No Dr, I have never had them, except one time when I was a kid and had a bad fever...."

She said.

So turns out I may have been wrong about that after all- I have done some reading after stumbling upon something in a you tube clip and apparently standard hallucinations are a little less severe than I thought they were…. I watched a beautiful mind once upon a time so there for I sort of assumed that when ppl said they have hallucinations they were seeing complete people / objects etc talking and walking like the furniture in beauty and the beast….

According to the literature hallucinations can be shadows and dream like imaginings crossing into reality while awake type stuff – erm, I do actually get that. And I get it quite a lot... Usually when I’m fairly hypomanic. It’s particularly bad (and a pain in the neck) when I’m driving as I keep thinking that the shadowy things are are Kangaroos etc beside me about to dart out in front of the car, (let me add that that’s quite realistic where I live) it can be a bit of a problem really because I tend to drive a little over the recommended speed when high so swerving imaginary wildlife isn’t practical.

Now while I was aware these little migraine-like flashes /shadowy things weren’t real I assumed that it was either A speeding related phenomenon or my eyes were just playing up because my body was tireder than my mind (I also tend to not sleep for several days when ‘up’) and had considered seeing an optometrist in case I needed glasses for driving.

As for the dream like imaginings kinda like a little scene playing out in my peripheral usually with mild audio should I care to listen – which I don’t –  you know when you first wake up in the morning and someone is talking to you but your still kinda dreaming? Yeah that. Thankfully this is less common and generally more annoying than anything else, unless I’m mega hypo and then they blur into reality a little too much and it can be hard to judge wtf is real or not. Now I’m wondering if these are actually visual hallucinations…??? God I hope not, that’s weird. I have had a few experiences which may have been hallucinations where I have seen cars plain as day and then they have miraculously disappeared into nowhere and I hate to admit that on one occasion driving to work while reasonably hypomanic I saw two such ‘ghost cars’.

 The first car looked like an unmarked police car (commodore, thick antenna… Aussies you all know what I mean) and I was mildly paranoid that it was tailing me as someone may have dobbed me in for my rather persistent and reckless speeding along that stretch of road, and by mildly I mean thought crossed my mind stayed there for a while and resulted in my working out a getaway plan… then the car disappeared into nothing on a country road with nowhere to turn off.

This experience freaked me out a bit and then closer to town there was a marked cop car doing a speed check on the other side of a straight stretch of road – as I passed I saw it pull out in my rear view mirror and pull a u turn behind me, I was thinking “shit I’m sure I’m not speeding”, looked at the speedo (not speeding) looked in the mirror again and the car had vanished – again nowhere to turn off. That freaked me out a fair bit as I thought that’s two things that I thought I saw, how much of what I am seeing now is real and how much isn’t? It all looks real, but then so did the cop car…

Ok. That sounds WAY crazier when I write it down. Hmm. BUT in my defence when the car ‘vanished’ I was aware that I must have imagined it (so that makes it NOT a delusion. Right?)  In the end due to *hallucinational content I put it down to some sort of subconscious guilt about speeding.

So, I guess there appear to be a few things about me I thought were totally normal/ marginally quirky that don’t actually happen to everyone else and I’m finding it a wee bit disconcerting and am very glad I didn’t TELL anyone about it.

*MS Word claims “hallucinational” isn’t a word, but I think it should be, particularly in this context, it just works.

Anxiety?

 

I don’t know anymore, don’t know how I feel, think I’m possibly sobering up from my latest high, starting to be normal, maybe? Hopefully?

I think I have forgotten what normal feels like, I know I forgot how boring it is to be at home all day, forgot how it feels to have children, forgot to call my friends.

Everyone is asking how I am, haven’t seen me in ages apparently, somehow through the last several months I have managed to avoid everyone, mostly and then in the last two weeks I have seen everyone, its weird. A lot has changed for me in the last half a year, I am still the same person on the outside, but inside I have changed, intensified, too much realisation in a short time is starting to take it’s toll.

I’m actively socialising but it’s different, I don’t know why. I have always been and liked being a social butterfly, the ‘life of the party’ chatterbox, can be relied upon to talk too much too loud and regret things later. Generally this is cause I socialise when I’m hypomanic and hide when I’m depressed but now shit is changing.

I have been rapid cycling so fast for the last three months that now I have held the same emotion for a few weeks I don’t quite know what to make of it, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, expecting the fall but it hasn’t happened, I’m not depressed at all. Maybe, just maybe the meds are starting to work?

 I’m still hypo but calmer, clearer of head, but I still want to avoid people, the thought of socialising is freaking me out, part of me is like YES LETS GO, LETS DO EVERYTHING! And the other part is like, oh my god I hate people. I think I’m kind of scared to make plans in case I get too high and embarrass myself or the shoe does drop and depression swallows me up. I haven’t been to work in ages, and the only ppl that know this are TBH, one friend and work. I have been hiding supposed to be at home “resting” but instead I go gallivanting across the country side, shopping.

 I go back to work on Friday and I don’t know what’s going to happen or how to explain my absence to my colleagues. There will be questions that demand answers and I haven’t got them.

 I wonder if this is anxiety? – this is pretty new to me, except for in totally whacked out and entirely reasonable situations or occasionally during intense psychotic manic paranoia…

This, however, is like a generalised social phobia, I’m nervous all the time despite being generally euphorically high when on my own, as soon as someone else enters the picture I start shaking and getting dizzy, check out chicks in woolworths, the road worker guy that yelled at me for speeding, I’m even nervous to see the school bus driver in the mornings, a meeting that merely consists of a ‘good morning’ and comment about the weather.

People keep asking me to do things, I can’t say no, I’ve never been any good at saying no, so of course I say yes, and then spend several hours writing to do/ how to lists relating to whatever I am supposed to do or organise but instead of the usual enthusiastic excited all be it slightly disjointed list writing I regularly participate in when hypo manic, it’s more of a shaky, trembley nervous compulsion, like I gotta do it now, GOTTA or, or I dunno I will forget or something bad will happen and I will fuck it up, I don’t know why but I GOTTA DO IT NOW.

Ugh, it’s an uncomfortable feeling and I don’t like it at all. It does make me a tad more productive than usual, as I have actually been checking items off my list and today I COMPLETED a list – which is big for me as I tend to run around in circles all day very busily getting distracted from one task by another until it’s time to pick up the kids from school and I have half started everything but completed absolutely nothing. Geeze it’s 3am again, that went fast! Last time I looked it was 1am, I’ve been writing non-stop for two hours, I wrote some songs, a rant, a letter I will never post and now this. I should stop writing, Im still not tired – guess I wont sleep again tonight, how unusual. Y doc said the new med Im on should help with sleep, and I think it has a little bit as there is a definite pattern of sleeping every 2^nd night emerging for me at the moment – much better and more sustainable than the 3,4 or 5 nights of no sleep- they generally end badly.  Might go play with you tube now.

Au revoir

Decent into madness

It feels as though, in an effort to regain ones senses, the crystal clarity of madness becomes all too bright and glaring, and it is a scary proposition knowing that when one is at their maddest, they are perhaps actually at their most sane.

I believe in cause and effect, up and down, gravity and of course Newton. Fucking Newton.

In many ways, at least true of human beings, the world runs solely on the basis of perspective, for everything can only be the way in which it is viewed. I view my time in the world as ‘completed’. Yes of course there would have been more things I could have experienced had I chosen to stay, that’s a factual observation. But I finished all that I wished too and have no regrets.

Everything I have done, and for my age I feel I have experienced rather a lot, has been a lesson in gaining this perspective, the low times have sucked at my very soul and challenged all that I thought I ever knew. Yet the high times have always allowed me to reflect positively and often in giddy humour, about those low times and appreciate the insights learned from them.

At the point of writing this I am terribly frightened of the future, or more to the point of having a future. I have experienced before the decent into madness which feels very much like living through the second half of “Flowers for Algenon” and thought to myself that I would never, ever again have to go down that road, that road was done, a mere rest stop on the map of life.

 I naively believed I would not have to experience it again, and if I ever would that with such experience now I was most certainly equipped to handle it. Except I forgot in all my infinite wisdoms and positive reflections of that time, exactly what it felt like. I remember now all too vividly, and I don’t like it.

It certainly isn’t a feeling I can or am willing to try and repeat or maintain over the course of my adult life. It is such things that make me question whether the path I ended up following, the one I was so thrilled to have happened upon was perhaps a mere deviation from the unchangeable ending? Except now it’s not myself I am hurting, it’s everyone else. That is simply not acceptable.

Spilling secrets

I had a D&M with my best friend the other day, told her how I feel – for real. She has been chronically depressed for… well almost forever and I have never wanted to add to her burden by venting my own silly problems. It was actually really interesting to see how her suicidal ideation varies from mine, I guess having not spoken to anyone about it before or googling it or being another person I figured the way I thought about suicide was the way everyone with depression did. Turns out I was wrong. I’m apparently loopier.

 I don’t know why I have been telling people about this lately, maybe my subconscious wants help? If so it needs to sit down and shut up. I sort of regret saying anything now. I have always been strict with the ‘make it look like an accident’ thing as not to let anyone feel responsible in anyway.  Divulging my feelings will now put speculation on those plans forever even if I were to die in an actual accident and that bothers me a lot.

However in some respects I also feel that it is good if ppl know how I felt, that means I can write the individual letters I want to write and I can use the far more peaceful method of self-destruction that I have always wanted to use rather than the violent option I was going to be left with.

I googled how docs react to suicidal ideation and I need to be REALLY careful not to say too much about my plans or they can legally hospitalise me, although I have some contingency escape plans in place for that event if I am too worked up at the time it could go south. I want this on my own terms in my own time and although I will act quickly if I am forced to I would rather avoid the stigma that will leave behind for the others.

coming down

I hate myself sometimes, stupid shit you say when you are high that you know you will inadvertently regret when you come down again. The worst part about that is, while high, you are fully aware that you will have those regrets but you don’t give a fuck and do/say/write those things anyway. Ugh.

Yesterday we went 4wd ing with the Gypsy & The Replacement. It started off awesome, I had about 2 maybe 3 hrs sleep that night and was still tripping happy (so happy I bloody ate two chocolate bars for breakfast… but anyway…)

We went out into the mountains, up hills, down dales and I did my first ‘bush wee’ – I am aware that at my age and being a country gal from Australia it is a tad unusual to be a virgin bush wee-er, but I have some awesome holding power and it is something I have been too much of a snob to consider in the past!

So we were having a great old time, I even made a couple of videos (man my voice sounds so different to the way I hear it) and at this point we had headed roughly 2hrs into the middle of nowhere. I am known for getting motion sickness at the best of times and my head was still travelling WAY TOO FAST so of course the rockier the track got the slower the car was going. I think the wired brain combined with the bumpy windy slow turns is what fucked me over, I felt SO car sick, I couldn’t move, I just wanted to die – not in the usual suicidal manner to which I have become accustomed but in the more traditional “end the physical pain” kind of way.

We eventually made it back to civilization and I made TBH park at some random camping ground so that I could get out of the car. I just needed everything to STOP – The feeling was kind of like when you walk up an escalator that isn’t moving, it fucks with your vestibular system or something and makes everything related to movement impossible.

I eventually was coaxed back into the car by TBH as we were travelling in a convoy of 3 cars and had lost our companions who also had some of our kids with them. We eventually found them at a little waterhole area with a playground along the river where they had let the kids out for a swim – I sat on the bank watching them until I started feeling better (it turns out the best part of a pack of dorrito’s can do wonders for motion sickness).

While I did start feeling better physically, underneath the nausea I was still high as harry and so my thoughts were galloping my vision was slightly blurry and it was making me generally dizzy. We left the river, went back to the Gypsies place and headed out for dinner, I felt good again at this point and ate a shit tonn of chinese food, it was really nice and I was still feeling happy but I suddenly got hit by a sudden incapacitating tiredness, my eyes drooped and I felt like I had just thrown down 6 shots of straight whisky.

 The being awake for the best part of 5 days straight had finally hit me.

We left then and I refused to take the kids in my car, this clearly worried The Better Half and I had to quickly convince him that I wasn’t suicidal, I was fucking exhausted and didn’t want to risk hurting them if I passed out at the wheel. I just needed to SLEEP. Somehow I made it home, luckily the car is like an old horse and seems to know the way by itself. I crawled into bed and didn’t wake up until 7:30 this morning!

I woke feeling quite agitated, not happy high, not depressed just irritable and a bit fast. The water truck came and delivered some water (hasn’t rained in a really long time) and a lady down the road called asking if I can mind her kids. Every part of my brain was saying NO NO NO NO! so of course I said yes because I’m hopeless. My best friend is coming up today and I really didn’t need random extra kids. The Guru sent a text regarding contact within 24hrs if need to cancel an appointment to avoid a fee – for some reason this is upsetting me a bit, logically I know due to it’s word structure that it’s probably automated but I had only emailed with her yesterday about changing a time because I had stupidly forgotton that school holidays finish this week and the kids have to go back. She emailed back saying she wanted The Better Half to come so we can work out some sort of ‘plan b’ for my suicidal moods – something else dumb I did when high was agree to her talking to TBH and I told her that I was happy to act in “my best interests”.

The trouble with that was I was fucking off my nut happy when I said it and forgot that I actually feel down quite often and that means “my best interests” can result in my loss of freedom.

I really need to have that freedom. I won’t cope at all locked up in a psych ward somewhere based off someone else’s judgement of my temporary mood and the only way I can see getting out of that situation is a final and likely unpleasant one for those around me. I want to go out on my own terms, in my own time, not like that.

 Now I am just plain scared to say how I really feel in case they trip out and act on it. I can’t believe I put that in writing. Fuck this, maybe I am coming down again. That was a pretty big high, which traditionally means I’m in for a pretty big low. I’m still really tired, maybe simply getting more sleep will fix it.

I sent a message in reply to the cancellation text saying not to worry about this appointment, we can do it next week when we have a new time so I can sort it out properly with work, she still thinks I’m high so I don’t think that will backfire, but I really have to learn when to stop talking.

Late Night Manic Ramblings...

I did this thing once where you just had to write what you were thinking,

Like everything that came to mind at that moment and make a story out of it. It was pretty cool, you had like 5 minute time limit and then BAM you just wrote. I am thinking at the moment all the time. Like ALL THE TIME and thought , hey maybe – I should do that now, because then I can look back on it later and work out if I’m crazy or not, cause at the moment I kinda think that I might be but I dunno. I have that eat sleep rave repeat song whirling around in my head at the moment, I don’t think it’s helping cause I’m like thinking in tune to it. Weird man. Anyway I have this awesome set of coffee mugs, I got them in Kmart on special and they have owls on them, I love owls- but this one has a butterfly on it- and I’m drinking tea not coffee, so its ok to use the butterfly mug. I like tea, black no milk no sugar straight from the tea bag none of that fancy pants swirl it around in a metal sticky thing for me, just tea. I have to write this letter to the local minister about the project in our town and how it sucks and it’s a bad idea. He already thinks it sucks but he wants everyone to write in and say it anyway so he can show it to his big bosses as proof or something, even if you’re a minister it apparently doesn’t matter what you think there is always someone bigger with the money that pulls your puppet strings anyway. Have you ever noticed how the word puppet looks like puppy? Heh I can see like a little marionette Pomeranian dancing now. Eat sleep rave repeat. Its only like 1am right now, still really early but I’m probably  supposed to be sleeping, I wish I wasn’t eating though, that guilt is starting to creep up on me, I’ve been binging like a mother fucker for ages now, fucking ate like a whole tub of ice-cream today AND fucking a bowl of spaghetti bolognaise, god knows how many calories, too many FUCKING CALORIES, my thighs are MASSIVE and they are just growing, I weighed myself the other day fucking DEPRESSING I’m like 5kg heavier than last time. Fuck chocolate I keep fucking eating all the bad shit, I spend the whole day NOT eating anything only to stuff my fucking face at night, seriously it’s not that FUCKING hard to just go to bed and not get up and eat. Except it is cause I can’t sleep cause my brain is like a fucking goldfish on crack and all I do is think about shit that means shit and how fat I am and how really I COULD TAKE OVER THE FUCKING WORLD with my fucking awesome ideas – if I just could remember them long enough to write them the fuck down and act on them later. If I had a secretary or something following me around with a note book and some staff it would be great cause I could have my ideas and they could like, make them happen and we would be SO FUCKING SAVED from all the shit – The social services could save so much money if they had time to listen to some of the ideas me and other ppl get. But we don’t matter, cause we don’t earn much money and we are technically crazy but so was FUCKING BEETHOVEN – fuck you know what? Charlie Sheen probably has it right and he does have a fucking legendary save the world idea which works, and if they’d listen he’d have the money to pull it off too! It’s just going around TOO FAST  in his mind for him to articulate it properly – kinda like Pauline Hanson without the racism, some of her ideas were actually good but she SUCKED at describing them and then the media twisted it all up and out (like Charlie Sheen) and VOILA all of a sudden he’s a loop and she’s a racist – poor fuckers, we (misunderstood people like Charlie sheen, Pauline Hanson and all us bipolar types out there) just need a FILTER and a like slow down regulator, something that doesn’t make us dumb zombies like lithium but something that sorts our thoughts- hey that rhymes, I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it! and then it like, sends them out slow, so we think them fast and they come out so normal people can understand us. It’s like our own secret manic language but it ALL MAKES SENSE to us, what happens if you get two hypomanic people into a conversation together? I bet it would either be the best conversation ever or come to blows cause nobody can get a word in. BUT I reckon there would be a shit load of laughing – or fighting either way, would probably make for some sort of awesome reality TV show. I don’t have TV now but my friends say that everything is still REALITY TV everywhere you go, ha! Its been like 5 years, has everyone forgotten how to write? Are we all so damn ADD that in 5 years all we can keep up with is the fucking Kardashians? That show, is that still on? I haven’t even like seen it ever. God I say “like” a lot, even when I write, even when I think! Fuck how did that happen? I used to “like” laugh at people who said “like” all the time. LOL My big niece does it A LOT too. I wonder how much my baby niece will do it by the time she gets old, though it will be old by then so they will probably have a new word to replace it. I think it started as ‘um’ became ‘like’ and now kids are saying ‘hectic’ which I think means ‘cool’ ,FUCK ME it’s all so confusing. I think I just swear, “like fuck, um I dunno, whatever.”

Wow I could just ramble all night couldn’t I, maybe I will, there is nothing else to do at 1am- except clean stuff, but I’ve been doing that all week, time to change it up. FUCK I really REALLY want to go to the beach, see my calm blue ocean through my rose coloured glasses, I dunno why in particular, wanna hear the waves crash on the shore, hear the power of mother nature, makes me feel free. FREEDOM the mountains and the waves, that’s where I want my ashes scattered one day, through the mountains so they blow down to the sea and I can be free again, to fall down to the earth only to grow up into the trees. Imagine the beauty of being part of everything, nothing and everything at the same time, just little particles of energy floating, resting, being all and nothing, less and more opposite and equal oh total euphoria of sweet non/existence.

My tea has a milky layer on top where I didn’t rinse the cup out after I had coffee, milk in coffee, skim of course, no milk in tea, only black. Black coffee is good too, when I’ve eaten too much just too hot, have to be able to add hot water, like at work where they have the hot / cold instant thingo then it can be just perfect black. I kinda miss work, I want to go back but I’m scared to go back too, they are gunna wonder where I’ve been, they are going to ask questions. SIL wants to have lunch on Friday, that’s cool, she thinks the egg baby is ADD, she’s very busy apparently – glad she doesn’t know about me or she’d really be freaking out – no the 10 month old isn’t bipolar, just hyper fucking intelligent, like maybe I was put on this earth to create her so she can like save the world or something? Seriously, no 10 month old should be that advanced, though I guess she was like engineered in a way, as much as you can engineer a people that is. Who’d a thunk I could create something that smart? God I hope she isn’t like me though, not like this, always thinking, wishing, wondering, feeling, regretting, holding onto guilt and going fucking nuts. Don’t get me wrong it’s great when it’s great too like oh my god the PASSION, of EVERYTHING when its good it’s AMAZING, but when its bad its just so fucking devastatingly awful that none of it was EVER WORTH IT. Until it’s amazing again and you forget. FUCKING GOLDFISH ON CRACK, see, told ya! It really is the only way to describe me, forgetful as all fuck but swimming around in circles so fast I’m making a whirlpool out of my little bowl. I want to REMEMBER stuff, I wanted to be a doctor SO FUCKING BAD, I remember that doctor telling me that I could be a doctor if I believed it enough, I did and went home and fucking studied my ass off, I knew the names of all the bones and all the muscles and half the fucking diseases in the world, and I can’t remember a fucking one of them now, it’s like all in there somewhere, the whirlpool sucked it into the bright blue gravel at the bottom of the bowl and its buried between the algae and shit never to re emerge. Funny all that medical shit I studied and I wouldn’t have a bar of psychology, I think its cause I knew subconsciously I was a fruit loop and didn’t want to actually read it and know my subconscious was right, didn’t want to recognise myself in the pages. But I am fucking crazy cause it all comes around again in circles like a roundabout, its true times, 3 the rule of threes, like the craft with less magic. So many years I like changed the channel on TV if a program on anorexia or something came on, I didn’t want to see it, didn’t want to read about it in magazines either – if I didn’t see it I still had plausible deniability. WHY NOW ??? after all those years, like half my life of hiding, WHY NOW can I actually scream out loud that I’m fucked up? What changed? Did I just get so full of bottling shit up that it finally burst over the top, fizzing out like that can of hot Pepsi max that exploded in my car? Fuck, I really need to write that letter, I can’t believe how fucked up our town is, so much HATRED so much anger in one place, it was crazy, I’m fucking officially mental but I was like the SANEST most RATIONAL person at that meeting by far, wow. I really want to write that letter, or a letter to the editor of the paper maybe. I don’t know something, something has to be done before the town loses it. Maybe I should climb to the top of a windmill and sacrifice myself in the name of ending the bullshit??? LOL imagine it, fuck that would be funny, except id be dead and wouldn’t get to see the outcome, probably back fire anyway, they would find me first and hide the body where nobody would know about the stand I took, fight for the cause. Pah! They have too much money, easy enough to cover up! Though, I suppose if you wanna die, might as well make it for a cause or at least cover it up as being for a cause. Makes ppl think twice about doing bad stuff in the future. I don’t get suicide bombers though, no cause should ever include hurting someone else, if there was a god I’m sure as shit he/she/it wouldn’t want you destroying a whole stack of its creations in its name. well otherwise it’s an arsehole and doesn’t deserve your ridiculous devotion. Macklamore & ryan lewis, same love. Good song – really good song. Eminem, heard some of your new stuff the otherday, man you sound like me, fuck remind me of myself a little bit too much LOL! Suppose that’s how good lyracists work, they write stuff that appeals to / relates to heaps of different people so no matter what your goin through it will mean something to somebody. Hmm I need to go look some stuff up on you tube and write some angry letters, but I promise myself won’t hit send, that’s the rule of all rules, no hitting send after 11pm EVER.

Ciao now.

parents, birthdays and mania

Oh my fucking god.

I am so frustrated right now, my parents just came to visit and they are driving me bat shit crazy. I don’t know why it’s such a pain in the arse right now, they didn’t do anything specific, it’s just their nature and the way they deal with things, they have been the way they are forever so I should be used to it, but at the moment I just can’t see through that and let it go.

In a random fit of stupidity a few weeks back, I told my mother about the bipolar thing, at the time I was glad I did but upon reflection it was a dumb ass idea and I should have shut the fuck up about it. She keeps going on and on in her way about stuff and she is really quite stupid. I mean naive as all holy hell and really not very bright – the older I get the more I realise she has absolutely NO CLUE about anything. It really explains how I got away with so much as a kid. Not blind eyes being turned just plain naivety.

I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer myself but I am a damn sight more intelligent – both intellectually and emotionally than she will ever be and I have trouble accepting that when I need my mother to be there for me she is incapable of offering more than a “oh my pooooor dahhling” which although not intended as such is so FUCKING PATRONISING that it makes me want to slap her across the face repeatedly.

Auggggghhhhhhhhh!

It’s fucked up too cause yesterday ended up being AMAZING. Over the past week I had been so worked up about going to my MILS bday dinner that I was more than ready to jump off a cliff before contemplating actually going, but I actually managed to get 3 hrs sleep yesterday morning and woke up feeling – to quote flo rider “43million feet up in the sky full of diamonds”. So had an awesome morning took the better half to the doc for his repeat antibiotics, avoided seeing her myself ( I knew I was a tad hypomanic and didn’t want that taken away from me) by taking the brats to the shop and filling them with ice creams while we waited for him to finish.

Then went to the chemist to pick up the script where while I was waiting accidently bought some new $50 sunnies, a first aid kit for the car and some herbal sleeping tablets…. Oops.

So the day evolved euphorically and full of spontaneous iTunes purchases (80s fever, 101 songs YEAH!) took the kids to my wonderful friend The Gypsy to babysit while we went to the dinner. I was getting pretty damn high by this point and so fucking HAPPY- it had been so long since I had had a pleasant high that it was like a warm bath of relief swept over me. According to the better half apparently I was talking 100miles p hour and changing topics quite rapidly but I don’t think I was that bad really. We went to the shop to grab a present (long live my FAB organisational skills) and who do you think we ran into but the bloody GP! We just smiled a quick hello but then I got the giggles, felt like I was 14 again trying to cover up being stoned, though the better half had mentioned to her that I hadn’t slept in days as she had asked after me when he saw her that morning so she probably had already guessed how I was travelling. I didn’t care though and was actually totally unphased about the impending dinner, had to watch my speeds while driving (constant reminders from back seat driver TBH) as it’s a long weekend here and they have double demerit points – I suppose I do tend to be a little more lead footed than usual when I’m in that kind of mood…

The dinner was lovely, wonder baby was there and so I took her for a little walk outside to try and get her to sleep and also an effort to calm down – didn’t work so well for either party as she seemed as wired as me. All in all it was nice, good food, good company and I reckon I held myself together pretty well although TBH commented later that I was all over the place – eh, could have been a hell of a lot worse – good times like that make me glad I didn’t take out that tree the other day.

As I was a little chatty, I somehow ended up blurting out EVERYTHING about the last few weeks to TBH in the car on the way home, actually made him a little teary eyed which I feel bad about, but it was good to get it off my chest – And realistically I am aware that for the sake of my health I need to be open about this to him since I CAN trust him – and this way if The Guru feels the need to ring him it’s not all coming at him from left field.

We picked up the brats and stayed for a while there, met the Gypsy’s friend who was visiting from up north. The Gypsy always said this girl had replaced me when she moved and fuck was she right LOL! I instantly loved her, she’s kinda like my clone and seemed similarly as high as me and for that matter so did The Gypsy – although there were a few empty red wine bottles floating about the house...

We laughed in a way I haven’t laughed in such a long time and generally felt awesome. I drove home from there still not tired and we got home put the kids to sleep chatted a bit and I took some of my new herbal sleeping tablets because I was still not tired and knew that eventually something was going to crack if I don’t sleep. So fooled around a bit with TBH and listened to music for a bit then around 1am a miracle happened. I actually fell asleep and didn’t wake up until 7am!

I woke still high as a kite, really jittery though, kind of not the pleasant euphoria of the previous night – didn’t have that head clarity anymore. I went for a run down the back paddock which although my mind needed the speed my body was clearly too tired for and I just ended up dizzy with racing thoughts that were more paranoid than not. Hot shower cured the dizziness but not the irritation and I realised that The Parents were going to be arriving with my brother and SIL whom I haven’t seen in 18mths in just a few hours.

 I was kinda mean to the kids while I was trying to clean up – My mums a neat freak and I get the desire for it from her but the brats put a harness on my efforts and trash the joint in my wake which makes me supremely irritated.

House was acceptable but by the time they got there I was marginally calmer but still annoyed and stewing again over and over in my mind about the comments made the other day and of course my mother felt the need to bring it up again right after “hello” – I managed to deflect and change subject somehow but was internally boiling over -as per the beginning of this now unintentionally long winded post.  

Note to self: GET OVER IT!

So now its only 7:30pm and I’m really tired all of a sudden but the brain is still wired. Going 4wheel driving tomoz with The Gypsy and The Replacement so very much looking forward to that and knowing at least I can be however I am and don’t have to struggle to ‘act straight’ without fear of judgement!

 

changing of the moods

Well I guess this rapid cycling / mixed episode I have been having over the last few months is hopefully or at least currently turning into a regular old hypomanic episode now and while my body is definitely a bit tired now, my eyes are heavy but my brain is on and I really can’t sleep at all and I have been trying since about 7pm. I feel really good considering I’ve had around 3hours sleep since Wednesday and its now nearly midnight on Friday.

For the first time in ages I don’t actually feel depressed at all– more enlightened than anything at the moment. My head is super clear which is a really welcome relief, It’s like cleaning a dirty window and to be honest I think I had actually forgotten what not feeling depressed felt like – it’s actually really fucking good!

Funny to think how hell bent on suicide I was just yesterday. Quite happy to hang around for now. I don’t know how long this good feeling is going to last and want to write its existence down here while I am enjoying it so if I wind up depressed again tomorrow I can remember that the fog can clear and it can actually be great.

I am not actually sure what prompted the positive change…This morning I was suicidal and a really, really deflating kind of tired, I nearly fell asleep at the wheel driving to work and didn’t care and actually cursed that I hadn’t. The last few nights were sleepless but also an uncomfortable combination of a crazy running mind but instead of awesome ideas they were filled with depression and suicide plans and this came along with deflating exhaustion and bursts of irritated adrenaline where I needed to just run. Sort of flight or fight response to absolutely nothing.

Yet although I haven’t actually slept yet, around I think midday today I ‘woke up’ suddenly like a light switch, decided to put dance music on my iPod and started feeling completely re energized in a great way, mucking around with some of the other staff, giggling and being heaps more productive at my actual work again, which was great since recently I have had a lot of trouble managing to complete or even start the most menial of tasks.

Driving home started to put me to sleep – more my eyes demanding rest than anything, my brain was still wired – I got home and thought it would be a great opportunity to go straight to bed while I was tired enough to maybe actually sleep because I KNOW I need it or bad things will happen. So I tried and tried but sleep evaded and I have just given up on that and come out here to write hoping that it will be enough to slow my brain enough to fall asleep. I have discovered a new trick – playing dance music when I am hyped up and trying to sleep keeps my mind occupied enough to actually start thinking about resting. Whereas silence drives me completely nuts and slower paced music doesn’t take up nearly enough thought space and the other restless part of my mind sort of thinks over the top of it like speaking over the top of someone in a conversation I guess. Not a productive thing  in the sleep department anyway!

Tomorrow I have to take the better half to the doctor for more antibiotics ( he has pneumonia) and then tomorrow night it’s the MILs b day dinner, which I think I will be attending alone as the better half isn’t really up to it. I don’t want to go if I am still this racy though- that little paranoid part of my mind thinks they are on to me and I really don’t want that half of my family knowing about my not so healthy mental state if it can be helped. I have also been so seriously close to breaking point in the last week that I would hate myself to end up snapping into psychosis at a family dinner without my support person present – a rather terrifying thought!

I should go try sleep again – although I think it’s a pointless venture sitting here writing won’t make me saner.

Nighty night peeps, see you on the flip side!