I think I have forgotten what normal feels like, I know I forgot how boring it is to be at home all day, forgot how it feels to have children, forgot to call my friends.
Everyone is asking how I am, haven’t seen me in ages apparently, somehow through the last several months I have managed to avoid everyone, mostly and then in the last two weeks I have seen everyone, its weird. A lot has changed for me in the last half a year, I am still the same person on the outside, but inside I have changed, intensified, too much realisation in a short time is starting to take it’s toll.
I’m actively socialising but it’s different, I don’t know why. I have always been and liked being a social butterfly, the ‘life of the party’ chatterbox, can be relied upon to talk too much too loud and regret things later. Generally this is cause I socialise when I’m hypomanic and hide when I’m depressed but now shit is changing.
I have been rapid cycling so fast for the last three months that now I have held the same emotion for a few weeks I don’t quite know what to make of it, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, expecting the fall but it hasn’t happened, I’m not depressed at all. Maybe, just maybe the meds are starting to work?
I’m still hypo but calmer, clearer of head, but I still want to avoid people, the thought of socialising is freaking me out, part of me is like YES LETS GO, LETS DO EVERYTHING! And the other part is like, oh my god I hate people. I think I’m kind of scared to make plans in case I get too high and embarrass myself or the shoe does drop and depression swallows me up. I haven’t been to work in ages, and the only ppl that know this are TBH, one friend and work. I have been hiding supposed to be at home “resting” but instead I go gallivanting across the country side, shopping.
I go back to work on Friday and I don’t know what’s going to happen or how to explain my absence to my colleagues. There will be questions that demand answers and I haven’t got them.
I wonder if this is anxiety? – this is pretty new to me, except for in totally whacked out and entirely reasonable situations or occasionally during intense psychotic manic paranoia…
This, however, is like a generalised social phobia, I’m nervous all the time despite being generally euphorically high when on my own, as soon as someone else enters the picture I start shaking and getting dizzy, check out chicks in woolworths, the road worker guy that yelled at me for speeding, I’m even nervous to see the school bus driver in the mornings, a meeting that merely consists of a ‘good morning’ and comment about the weather.
People keep asking me to do things, I can’t say no, I’ve never been any good at saying no, so of course I say yes, and then spend several hours writing to do/ how to lists relating to whatever I am supposed to do or organise but instead of the usual enthusiastic excited all be it slightly disjointed list writing I regularly participate in when hypo manic, it’s more of a shaky, trembley nervous compulsion, like I gotta do it now, GOTTA or, or I dunno I will forget or something bad will happen and I will fuck it up, I don’t know why but I GOTTA DO IT NOW.
Ugh, it’s an uncomfortable feeling and I don’t like it at all. It does make me a tad more productive than usual, as I have actually been checking items off my list and today I COMPLETED a list – which is big for me as I tend to run around in circles all day very busily getting distracted from one task by another until it’s time to pick up the kids from school and I have half started everything but completed absolutely nothing. Geeze it’s 3am again, that went fast! Last time I looked it was 1am, I’ve been writing non-stop for two hours, I wrote some songs, a rant, a letter I will never post and now this. I should stop writing, Im still not tired – guess I wont sleep again tonight, how unusual. Y doc said the new med Im on should help with sleep, and I think it has a little bit as there is a definite pattern of sleeping every 2nd night emerging for me at the moment – much better and more sustainable than the 3,4 or 5 nights of no sleep- they generally end badly. Might go play with you tube now.