Unfit Mother

Dear Baby Bel,

I hurt you today, and when I said I never would, I really believed it. Didn’t think that I could have ever done that, It wasn’t intentional, I was in a spin, had to ‘get your arses to school’ and pick up your friend along the way, I didn’t want the judgement of the kids grandma, questioning why I was late, why haven’t you done your hair? When did you last go to work? You seem to always be home?

So I panicked and I grabbed you, shoved your clothes on you and threw you in the car backed out the driveway too fast while you’re screaming at me to stop, you didn’t have your seat belt on, of course how could you? I didn’t give you time to wake up, let alone grab your school bag & socks.

Then as I pulled out you flew across the car, straight into the door, and I didn’t even give you time to get up, just let your body hit the floor, while I screamed “get in your seat” raced 100 miles round the corner to get the kid from up the road.

You get on the bus, hug me and tell me you love me, and my heart breaks its 10 degrees and I didn’t even give you a jumper. Stop loving me, I hate it, I don’t deserve it at all, you need somebody who can raise you like a real mother would, not someone who’s so fucked up and selfish they can’t even find time to give you breakfast.

And I get back home, the house looks like a bomb hit, the kids have no clothes, no wonder they were upset, because mum wasn’t here resting like she should have been, cleaning and doing washing or looking after the kids, no. She was gallivanting round the countryside spending all the families money feeling like a god and driving faster than anyone ever should on a public road.

I hate the judgement people give other mothers, but I deserve it because I’m unfit to be called a mum, I expect you to raise yourselves while I’m fucking around, having fun and running away, or I won’t talk to you, yell at you, tell you to go away while all I’m doing’s lying in bed crying about nothing all day.

They say it’s cause I’m sick, they give me medicine to heal, but the medicine does nothing, I still don’t know how I feel. And I guess I am sick. I’m sick of living like this, of regretting all that I do, destroying your lives while I fight a battle that I will only ever lose.

So the kitchen is just the aftermath of yesterday’s problems, I’m going to scrub and clean and wash all your belongings, then I’m leaving. I’m going to go and let you be free, free of all this shit that I throw at you every day of the year, let you grow up in a home without yelling and fear.

Hopefully one day Daddy will find you another mum, one who can love you and help you do the stuff I wish I could’ve done. Oh Babybel, how can I say my last words to you? You’re such a beautiful girl, you can take on the world and conquer it too! Be stong, laugh loud, love with the depths of your soul, when it all feels to hard, hold onto yourself no matter how far you fall and remember that these feelings too will pass, just give it your all and take every chance.