So many hours are lost to this disease, the ‘unhelpful
thinking’ patterns as the Guru puts it. It’s ridiculous when actually put into
words or thought about in any logical way. But still it remains, every hour it
creeps in, at some point a comment, something you see or hear that reminds you
or god help it you catch your reflection or need to go to the bathroom.
Eating is the worst, it’s a constant battle of instinct vs
mind. Your body takes over gorging everything in its path while all you can
think is how worthless you are and how desperately you want it all to stop.
If I had a dollar for the amount of times I have glanced at
that knife block while stuffing bread down my gob just longing to plunge it
deep into my flesh or slice deep into my wrists. End the torture.
Silence. Inside, outside. Peace.
My husband walked in just as I typed that sentence and I
slammed the computer down like a 14yr old girl hiding something from her
parents. Now he’s upset because I wouldn’t tell him what I was doing, what I was
hiding. Is it wrong that I would almost rather he thought I was having an
affair than writing a diary like this? Honestly, I don’t know which one of
those would hurt him more.
I hate myself every time I eat at the moment. The trouble
for my messed up mind is that I am eating constantly and I cant stop. It’s too
hard.
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