After the worst day in a long time it was so hard to make it
through, continuous reminders to myself that it was my son’s birthday and that
just isn’t ok. Stick to the plan girl. But it’s so hard to stick to the plan
when just breathing is a soul crushing effort. Went past the doc to pick up her
note thingy to the psychologist so I can get bulk billed sessions, she came
running out as I got there – she looked pleased to see me alive, I was prob a
bit too honest with her on my feelings the day before and she took me at my promise
as it was my sons b day the next day so I wouldn’t do anything.
I have to be so careful not to fuck myself over and get
locked up – being locked up isn’t conducive to the plan at all.
Got so bad as I was driving that I decided to ditch work and
see a friend in an effort to honour the ‘not on a birthday’ rule, but when I
rang her hubby answered so had to do a quick change of plan and went to work
anyway *insert pretend happy voice here* Work is onto me, I keep getting asked
how I am, today I just played the FIL in hospital card, which I feel kinda
guilty about not really actually caring about… I would normally care, I blame
the depression numbness effect – its making me a heartless bitch. Oh well.
Was a hot one here, 42degrees C, but the aircon at work is
set to minus 5 so I went for 3 walks in the heat, one at each break – just to
give my poor goose bumpy skin a rest. Only sucky thing about being skinny is
feeling the cold. The day petered out and became evening, went for a family dinner
with friends which was excellent, I ate too which I feel guilty about but
hadn’t had anything all day so probably necessity really.
The good company was exactly what I needed to shake me out
of my funk, *insert light switch effect here*and sad became happy, evening became
night went home again and then without even closing my eyes night has become
day again all of a sudden. At least it was a productive one, knocked a few
important items off the ‘do before I go’ list and it’s no longer a birthday so
I have exit options. It’s funny how knowing I can makes me less inclined, I
guess it’s like a smoker who runs out of cigarettes will crave again moments
after their last one, whereas if there
had been more in the pack they probably wouldn’t have thought of another for a
few hours.
So im still trippin happy – or higher anyways, at least it’s
not crushingly suicidally depressed, I wouldn’t really call it hypomanic
either, Im not tired yet, thoughts speedy but not out of control- not sure if
this all-nighter will effect me or not, usually if they don’t I think its more
hypomania and if they do its just plain insomnia. I feel good now but I don’t
think I can handle this rapid cycle shit for much longer, on the whole its
bloody exhausting the lows are getting too low and I might not be able to carry
out the plan – not ideal, I really, really need to get my most important shit
together so everyone isn’t screwed just in case.
Should go have a shower and get ready for work, hopefully I
can concentrate today and then off to dinner with my friend tonight.
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