Well I guess this rapid cycling / mixed episode I have been having over the last few months is hopefully or at least currently turning into a regular old hypomanic episode now and while my body is definitely a bit tired now, my eyes are heavy but my brain is on and I really can’t sleep at all and I have been trying since about 7pm. I feel really good considering I’ve had around 3hours sleep since Wednesday and its now nearly midnight on Friday.
For the first time in ages I don’t actually feel depressed at all– more enlightened than anything at the moment. My head is super clear which is a really welcome relief, It’s like cleaning a dirty window and to be honest I think I had actually forgotten what not feeling depressed felt like – it’s actually really fucking good!
Funny to think how hell bent on suicide I was just yesterday. Quite happy to hang around for now. I don’t know how long this good feeling is going to last and want to write its existence down here while I am enjoying it so if I wind up depressed again tomorrow I can remember that the fog can clear and it can actually be great.
I am not actually sure what prompted the positive change…This morning I was suicidal and a really, really deflating kind of tired, I nearly fell asleep at the wheel driving to work and didn’t care and actually cursed that I hadn’t. The last few nights were sleepless but also an uncomfortable combination of a crazy running mind but instead of awesome ideas they were filled with depression and suicide plans and this came along with deflating exhaustion and bursts of irritated adrenaline where I needed to just run. Sort of flight or fight response to absolutely nothing.
Yet although I haven’t actually slept yet, around I think midday today I ‘woke up’ suddenly like a light switch, decided to put dance music on my iPod and started feeling completely re energized in a great way, mucking around with some of the other staff, giggling and being heaps more productive at my actual work again, which was great since recently I have had a lot of trouble managing to complete or even start the most menial of tasks.
Driving home started to put me to sleep – more my eyes demanding rest than anything, my brain was still wired – I got home and thought it would be a great opportunity to go straight to bed while I was tired enough to maybe actually sleep because I KNOW I need it or bad things will happen. So I tried and tried but sleep evaded and I have just given up on that and come out here to write hoping that it will be enough to slow my brain enough to fall asleep. I have discovered a new trick – playing dance music when I am hyped up and trying to sleep keeps my mind occupied enough to actually start thinking about resting. Whereas silence drives me completely nuts and slower paced music doesn’t take up nearly enough thought space and the other restless part of my mind sort of thinks over the top of it like speaking over the top of someone in a conversation I guess. Not a productive thing in the sleep department anyway!
Tomorrow I have to take the better half to the doctor for more antibiotics ( he has pneumonia) and then tomorrow night it’s the MILs b day dinner, which I think I will be attending alone as the better half isn’t really up to it. I don’t want to go if I am still this racy though- that little paranoid part of my mind thinks they are on to me and I really don’t want that half of my family knowing about my not so healthy mental state if it can be helped. I have also been so seriously close to breaking point in the last week that I would hate myself to end up snapping into psychosis at a family dinner without my support person present – a rather terrifying thought!
I should go try sleep again – although I think it’s a pointless venture sitting here writing won’t make me saner.
Nighty night peeps, see you on the flip side!