look her in the eye

She smiles at you, runs into the room to say goodnight,

But you cant tell her why, you cant look her in the eye.

When she says “I love you mummy, more than the whole wide world” it cut you so deep the amount of faith that she’s shown, to think that she loves you when you don’t deserve to be known.

You tell your daughter that you love her too but think to yourself, that mumma’s gotta go soon, she’s already decided what to do, and no amount of lying will change that awful truth, that you were abandoning your babies when they really needed you.

But you’re a selfish mother fucker with too many scars that don’t heal, and it’s no place for children when you can’t control how you feel, when you yell and you scream about nothing that’s real, no reason for your anger expect you’ve eaten a meal.

Until there’s no point, no point in trying, it wouldn’t be fair, spent too much time hiding, the love that should be naturally there. Because to actually feel it? It fucking hurts. The guilt that comes from not really being present after their births, for not giving them attention when they needed it most, from hiding in your bedroom like a god forsaken ghost.

You know they are better off without you, so maybe your final gift to them, won’t just have to shit all over them, but actually help them too, just maybe, you can break the curse of this mother fucking cycle, maybe you can empower what’s left of their youth when you take away their problem like the problem took you.