Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Late Night Manic Ramblings...

I did this thing once where you just had to write what you were thinking,
Like everything that came to mind at that moment and make a story out of it. It was pretty cool, you had like 5 minute time limit and then BAM you just wrote. I am thinking at the moment all the time. Like ALL THE TIME and thought , hey maybe – I should do that now, because then I can look back on it later and work out if I’m crazy or not, cause at the moment I kinda think that I might be but I dunno. I have that eat sleep rave repeat song whirling around in my head at the moment, I don’t think it’s helping cause I’m like thinking in tune to it. Weird man. Anyway I have this awesome set of coffee mugs, I got them in Kmart on special and they have owls on them, I love owls- but this one has a butterfly on it- and I’m drinking tea not coffee, so its ok to use the butterfly mug. I like tea, black no milk no sugar straight from the tea bag none of that fancy pants swirl it around in a metal sticky thing for me, just tea. I have to write this letter to the local minister about the project in our town and how it sucks and it’s a bad idea. He already thinks it sucks but he wants everyone to write in and say it anyway so he can show it to his big bosses as proof or something, even if you’re a minister it apparently doesn’t matter what you think there is always someone bigger with the money that pulls your puppet strings anyway. Have you ever noticed how the word puppet looks like puppy? Heh I can see like a little marionette Pomeranian dancing now. Eat sleep rave repeat. Its only like 1am right now, still really early but I’m probably  supposed to be sleeping, I wish I wasn’t eating though, that guilt is starting to creep up on me, I’ve been binging like a mother fucker for ages now, fucking ate like a whole tub of ice-cream today AND fucking a bowl of spaghetti bolognaise, god knows how many calories, too many FUCKING CALORIES, my thighs are MASSIVE and they are just growing, I weighed myself the other day fucking DEPRESSING I’m like 5kg heavier than last time. Fuck chocolate I keep fucking eating all the bad shit, I spend the whole day NOT eating anything only to stuff my fucking face at night, seriously it’s not that FUCKING hard to just go to bed and not get up and eat. Except it is cause I can’t sleep cause my brain is like a fucking goldfish on crack and all I do is think about shit that means shit and how fat I am and how really I COULD TAKE OVER THE FUCKING WORLD with my fucking awesome ideas – if I just could remember them long enough to write them the fuck down and act on them later. If I had a secretary or something following me around with a note book and some staff it would be great cause I could have my ideas and they could like, make them happen and we would be SO FUCKING SAVED from all the shit – The social services could save so much money if they had time to listen to some of the ideas me and other ppl get. But we don’t matter, cause we don’t earn much money and we are technically crazy but so was FUCKING BEETHOVEN – fuck you know what? Charlie Sheen probably has it right and he does have a fucking legendary save the world idea which works, and if they’d listen he’d have the money to pull it off too! It’s just going around TOO FAST  in his mind for him to articulate it properly – kinda like Pauline Hanson without the racism, some of her ideas were actually good but she SUCKED at describing them and then the media twisted it all up and out (like Charlie Sheen) and VOILA all of a sudden he’s a loop and she’s a racist – poor fuckers, we (misunderstood people like Charlie sheen, Pauline Hanson and all us bipolar types out there) just need a FILTER and a like slow down regulator, something that doesn’t make us dumb zombies like lithium but something that sorts our thoughts- hey that rhymes, I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it! and then it like, sends them out slow, so we think them fast and they come out so normal people can understand us. It’s like our own secret manic language but it ALL MAKES SENSE to us, what happens if you get two hypomanic people into a conversation together? I bet it would either be the best conversation ever or come to blows cause nobody can get a word in. BUT I reckon there would be a shit load of laughing – or fighting either way, would probably make for some sort of awesome reality TV show. I don’t have TV now but my friends say that everything is still REALITY TV everywhere you go, ha! Its been like 5 years, has everyone forgotten how to write? Are we all so damn ADD that in 5 years all we can keep up with is the fucking Kardashians? That show, is that still on? I haven’t even like seen it ever. God I say “like” a lot, even when I write, even when I think! Fuck how did that happen? I used to “like” laugh at people who said “like” all the time. LOL My big niece does it A LOT too. I wonder how much my baby niece will do it by the time she gets old, though it will be old by then so they will probably have a new word to replace it. I think it started as ‘um’ became ‘like’ and now kids are saying ‘hectic’ which I think means ‘cool’ ,FUCK ME it’s all so confusing. I think I just swear, “like fuck, um I dunno, whatever.”
Wow I could just ramble all night couldn’t I, maybe I will, there is nothing else to do at 1am- except clean stuff, but I’ve been doing that all week, time to change it up. FUCK I really REALLY want to go to the beach, see my calm blue ocean through my rose coloured glasses, I dunno why in particular, wanna hear the waves crash on the shore, hear the power of mother nature, makes me feel free. FREEDOM the mountains and the waves, that’s where I want my ashes scattered one day, through the mountains so they blow down to the sea and I can be free again, to fall down to the earth only to grow up into the trees. Imagine the beauty of being part of everything, nothing and everything at the same time, just little particles of energy floating, resting, being all and nothing, less and more opposite and equal oh total euphoria of sweet non/existence.
My tea has a milky layer on top where I didn’t rinse the cup out after I had coffee, milk in coffee, skim of course, no milk in tea, only black. Black coffee is good too, when I’ve eaten too much just too hot, have to be able to add hot water, like at work where they have the hot / cold instant thingo then it can be just perfect black. I kinda miss work, I want to go back but I’m scared to go back too, they are gunna wonder where I’ve been, they are going to ask questions. SIL wants to have lunch on Friday, that’s cool, she thinks the egg baby is ADD, she’s very busy apparently – glad she doesn’t know about me or she’d really be freaking out – no the 10 month old isn’t bipolar, just hyper fucking intelligent, like maybe I was put on this earth to create her so she can like save the world or something? Seriously, no 10 month old should be that advanced, though I guess she was like engineered in a way, as much as you can engineer a people that is. Who’d a thunk I could create something that smart? God I hope she isn’t like me though, not like this, always thinking, wishing, wondering, feeling, regretting, holding onto guilt and going fucking nuts. Don’t get me wrong it’s great when it’s great too like oh my god the PASSION, of EVERYTHING when its good it’s AMAZING, but when its bad its just so fucking devastatingly awful that none of it was EVER WORTH IT. Until it’s amazing again and you forget. FUCKING GOLDFISH ON CRACK, see, told ya! It really is the only way to describe me, forgetful as all fuck but swimming around in circles so fast I’m making a whirlpool out of my little bowl. I want to REMEMBER stuff, I wanted to be a doctor SO FUCKING BAD, I remember that doctor telling me that I could be a doctor if I believed it enough, I did and went home and fucking studied my ass off, I knew the names of all the bones and all the muscles and half the fucking diseases in the world, and I can’t remember a fucking one of them now, it’s like all in there somewhere, the whirlpool sucked it into the bright blue gravel at the bottom of the bowl and its buried between the algae and shit never to re emerge. Funny all that medical shit I studied and I wouldn’t have a bar of psychology, I think its cause I knew subconsciously I was a fruit loop and didn’t want to actually read it and know my subconscious was right, didn’t want to recognise myself in the pages. But I am fucking crazy cause it all comes around again in circles like a roundabout, its true times, 3 the rule of threes, like the craft with less magic. So many years I like changed the channel on TV if a program on anorexia or something came on, I didn’t want to see it, didn’t want to read about it in magazines either – if I didn’t see it I still had plausible deniability. WHY NOW ??? after all those years, like half my life of hiding, WHY NOW can I actually scream out loud that I’m fucked up? What changed? Did I just get so full of bottling shit up that it finally burst over the top, fizzing out like that can of hot Pepsi max that exploded in my car? Fuck, I really need to write that letter, I can’t believe how fucked up our town is, so much HATRED so much anger in one place, it was crazy, I’m fucking officially mental but I was like the SANEST most RATIONAL person at that meeting by far, wow. I really want to write that letter, or a letter to the editor of the paper maybe. I don’t know something, something has to be done before the town loses it. Maybe I should climb to the top of a windmill and sacrifice myself in the name of ending the bullshit??? LOL imagine it, fuck that would be funny, except id be dead and wouldn’t get to see the outcome, probably back fire anyway, they would find me first and hide the body where nobody would know about the stand I took, fight for the cause. Pah! They have too much money, easy enough to cover up! Though, I suppose if you wanna die, might as well make it for a cause or at least cover it up as being for a cause. Makes ppl think twice about doing bad stuff in the future. I don’t get suicide bombers though, no cause should ever include hurting someone else, if there was a god I’m sure as shit he/she/it wouldn’t want you destroying a whole stack of its creations in its name. well otherwise it’s an arsehole and doesn’t deserve your ridiculous devotion. Macklamore & ryan lewis, same love. Good song – really good song. Eminem, heard some of your new stuff the otherday, man you sound like me, fuck remind me of myself a little bit too much LOL! Suppose that’s how good lyracists work, they write stuff that appeals to / relates to heaps of different people so no matter what your goin through it will mean something to somebody. Hmm I need to go look some stuff up on you tube and write some angry letters, but I promise myself won’t hit send, that’s the rule of all rules, no hitting send after 11pm EVER.
Ciao now.

No comments:

Post a Comment