Sometimes things go so hard and so fast that it feels like my head is literally going to spontaneously combust. Sometimes the lead up to that place has been good, great, awesome, in fact - and sometimes it’s been sad, awful and plain old unliveable.
There is a line somewhere between the place where the polar bears and penguins live, for arguments sake let’s call it the equator. Now you would think this imaginary line would spell some sort of balance, a nice calm warmth between two arctic storms, but instead this equator feels more like an invisible electric fence, stopping the polar bears and penguins from meeting to share their wisdom, the equator is a breaking point, a chasm filled with a feuding whirlwind of both TOO MUCH EVERYTHING and absolute nothingness.
This is a hole I seem to fall into at the end of every up and the peak of every down and I somehow cope and claw my way back out again bruised and battered skating the outside edges for a while before suddenly being sucked back down the rabbit hole to either The Circle or better yet Santa’s place for yet another ride.
Rapid cycling is void of skating altogether, its fucking fast, fucking frequent and fucking frightening. Time in the chasm becomes simply unbearable clawing back to the top hoping this time you made it out, only to slip straight back down the bottom not knowing when or if it’s ever going to end.
The best way I think I can describe this chasm is like micro-sleeping while taking ice. Everything is hot and cold, you can’t breathe for the sensation of adrenaline in your veins, yet your heart beats so slowly you feel and hear each individual thud it makes.
The world around you seems to be revolving in dizzying flashes of matrix style slow motion, your eyes see every sight and ears hear every sound and yet you remember nothing. Each blink takes a year and when you are driving you feel you’re travelling slow as a snail but glance at the speedometer and you are actually doing 160km.
Sometimes you feel invincible and sometimes you’re just completely indifferent to death or consequence -which one of these generally depends on whether you were brought to that point by the polar bear or the penguin and either way you want to die. It’s an exhausting place to be and while you are in it you either want to stay there forever or end it at that exact moment which is funny really because while opposites in many ways those two things are exactly the same.