I had a D&M with my best friend the other day, told her how I feel – for real. She has been chronically depressed for… well almost forever and I have never wanted to add to her burden by venting my own silly problems. It was actually really interesting to see how her suicidal ideation varies from mine, I guess having not spoken to anyone about it before or googling it or being another person I figured the way I thought about suicide was the way everyone with depression did. Turns out I was wrong. I’m apparently loopier.
I don’t know why I
have been telling people about this lately, maybe my subconscious wants help?
If so it needs to sit down and shut up. I sort of regret saying anything now. I
have always been strict with the ‘make it look like an accident’ thing as not
to let anyone feel responsible in anyway. Divulging my feelings will now put speculation
on those plans forever even if I were to die in an actual accident and that
bothers me a lot.
However in some respects I also feel that it is good if ppl
know how I felt, that means I can write the individual letters I want to write
and I can use the far more peaceful method of self-destruction that I have
always wanted to use rather than the violent option I was going to be left
with.
I googled how docs react to suicidal ideation and I need to
be REALLY careful not to say too much about my plans or they can legally
hospitalise me, although I have some contingency escape plans in place for that
event if I am too worked up at the time it could go south. I want this on my
own terms in my own time and although I will act quickly if I am forced to I
would rather avoid the stigma that will leave behind for the others.
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